AVP: Alien vs. Predator

  Whilst Alien Vs. Predator was not my first introduction to the acidic goodness of the always classy xenomorph (I have James Cameron and Aliens to thank for that) it was however my first look at the ever-iconic Predator. For that reason alone, my little pre-teen mind was blown by AVP. The movie could do no wrong back then in 2004. Yet 2014 is only a couple months away, and thanks to a swank eBay deal, I figured it's time to give this childhood classic a totally objective rewatch through older, wiser, and far more jaded eyes. Let the hunt begin!

  My thoughts on this movie are vast and varied, I could write a thesis paper on it. Mainly because I absolutely love both the Alien and the Predator franchise. Aliens is my #1 all time favorite movie, and Predator ranks at #5. I think highly even of Predator 2 and Alien 3 (which I actually believe to be one of the most underrated movies ever). So clearly not only am I well educated in both franchises (whether or not you agree with my assessments is your problem) I am also pretty forgiving. I've seen every movie in each franchise at LEAST twice. I have well formed opinions about all of them. I can back up every argument, and provide logic to all my reasoning. I'm even well versed in the wider lore and mythology founded through the comics.To put it simply, I'm not the guy to argue about Aliens or Predators with. Just throwing that out there.

  Aliens and Predators were indelibly intertwined far before AVP ever showed up. There were games, comics, pocket novels, you name it. It was a legitimate thing. When you would see Batman and Captain America team up in the comics, it was also for only a few issues. Then it'd be over. However, when Aliens and Predators started crossing over, it fit so damn well, that they were connected for good. One couldn't be mentioned without the other one far behind. Which brings us FINALLY to this movie. The concept of seeing xenomorphs (the "aliens" if you haven't figured that out already) battle Yautjas ("Predators") on screen was mind-blowingly cool. There was enough amazing source material to ensure that no matter what else, seeing them on screen together would be worth it.

  O' ye of too much faith. I can't pretend to really know what the hype was like, but I can imagine. Anyway, the movie doesn't disappoint on that level. When the Alien and the Predator have their first real fight, I still get chills. It's awesome. It's cool. It's well done, and looks good. That was never a complaint. Seeing them slug it out is still really damn fun. So before I get into the thick of the movie's issues, let me compliment it for a bit. The movie is directed well. Contrary to popular complaints, the characters aren't awful. They're written to the fullest extent of their function in the story, and then some! The lack of a well known lead hurts the movie somewhat but not how you might think. We'll get to that later. So, the characters are good in my opinion, the premise isn't bad, and visually the movie is fantastic. Probably the most polished and well defined movie of either franchise.

  The movie functions best as a saturday matinee movie; a creature feature slugfest. It has all the slime, special effects, and creature on creature violence one could hope for. It's nothing more than that. Even Predator manages to be a classier movie.  The movie succeeds in this respect, it is fun. Simple, mindless fun, of the best variety. It's not insultingly bad like some Michael Bay fare. Which are often called mindless fun as well, I beg to differ and submit they are simply mindless. AVP is not a bad movie by any stretch of the imagination. When you hold a Transformers movie to the expectations set for it, invariably you will have a laundry list of things left to hate about it. I'm looking at you Revenge of the Fallen. However, AVP does what it sets out to do. It's biggest crime is it's painfully short runtime, and it's occasional silliness. Yet, I reiterate, it is not bad. The acting is good, the dialog is good, the pacing is a liiiiitle too brisk, but at least it's not glacial. The special effects are still good, the visual aesthetic is solid. So no, it's not bad. The action on display is even fun to watch, unlike the visual junkyard of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Aliens and Predators fight! They slash, stab, impale, bite, and even blow each other up! This is very fun to watch, no doubt.

  Yet, as a fan... this movie displeases me on some levels directly. First, the story contradicts WAY too many things from the previous movies to the point where it just doesn't work. It's been established that the Predators hunt humans. We are worthy prey. Specifically, dude's like Dutch (Schwarzenegger) in Predator. Predators would not have been here thousands of years ago, teaching humans how to build pyramids. (cause apparently we worshipped them ages ago) They hunt humans for sport, they don't use us as cattle to breed xenomorphs. Not only is that ludicrous, it undermines the entire concept of the xenomorph and the Predators. Not to mention xenomorphs on EARTH? That was the sole scariest thought through EACH Alien movie. Not on Earth, c'mon, not Earth. That'd be devastating. Not here apparently. The Predators got shit under control. Because unleashing them every 100 years in a pyramid for hunting sport is cool. No way that could ever go wrong. And if it does, they blow up everything. This is NOT anything the Predators would do. Would a big game hunter go to a zoo to hunt a leopard? No. That's silly. Which is exactly how this story seems when you start to really look at it. It stops being silly fun, and ends up being just... dumb. The story at least. The movie itself is still fun.

  Next up is what they did to the Aliens. First, yay, they have domed heads. They're just scarier with the domed heads as opposed to the look from Aliens. Something I can't forgive Cameron for, but I love his movie so it's all good. However, the reproductive cycle of the xenomorph has been reduced to a fraction of the time it actually takes. This is the first movie to do this too. In Alien, when a facehugger latched onto Kane, it tooks hours and hours to do it's deed. Then, a few more hours before the embryo gestated enough to break free. Then it took several more hours for the chestburster to grow to full size. Which was well over the height of a tall human male. This is already considered super fast! In fact, the reason the chestburster is very light-skinned at birth, and then totally black in it's adulthood, is because it grows so fast that it bruises over it's entire body. Yet in AVP they sped it up to a fraction of that time cycle. Several long hours' work, reduced to increments of ten minutes. It's just lazy in my opinion and rather disrespectful to the creature itself.

  My final complaint is about the lead character Lex, played by Sanaa Lathan. While Lathan was good in the role, and owned it 100%, there's a twist at the end of the movie that just makes no sense when you think about it. It's a major point of the movie that Lex is a survivor, not a soldier. She would rather retreat and regroup than push ahead with guns blazing. Not only is this probably what's kept her alive, it has defined her character. On the other hand, you have the Predator. On the whole, it has been shown (Predator 2) that when a human proved himself/herself to be a worthy warrior or hunter, the Predators wouldn't kill them and instead present them with a token of respect. Spoiler alert. After everyone else she arrived with is dead, Lex decides to show the Predator that she's on his side. The Predator proceeds to not give a shit. Until a xeno bursts onto the screen and Lex gets lucky and impales it. This is very important to note because this is why their impending team up always felt like bullshit to me. Lex is not a 'worthy' warrior or a hunter. The first xeno she killed was in self defense. Like, it fell on her weapon. She's only a survivor. She has shown no battle prowess, and has actually been crying and sniffling for the past 20 minutes of screentime. Granted, this is probably what any real person would do in her shoes, so I don't fault Lathan.

  However, that plot required a stronger lead. A character with enough gravitas to stand toe to toe with a Predator and make that shit work. Better still, a strong actress to fill the shoes. The concept of a Predator teaming up with a human woman is not unprecedented. They had a very popular character in the comics (which predate the movie) named Machiko Noguchi. This is her here. Look at that intensity. Never in a hundred years should Lathan be cast in a role that echos of a character like this. She does not have the gravitas. That's not saying anything bad about her, she's simply not that kind of actress. The role itself wasn't written to require that gravitas either. So when the Predator spares her, and teams up with her- sure it looks cool, and it's fun to watch, but it makes no sense. In a logical situation, the Predator would've killed her before she ever saw it coming, took back his plasma cannon and finished the rest of his hunt alone. Certainly he wouldn't have teamed up with her, because any Predator could tell you - she's useless to you. At that point, he has no reason to believe otherwise. She has done nothing impressive thus far except run a lot.

  In closing, you either like this movie for what it is, a saturday creature feature slimefest...
Or you just don't like it. I haven't found much middle ground. It's fun. There's no denying that. I like watching it, it's a simple carefree time. Yet... it's also not the clash of titans everyone wanted, and it's nowhere near the movie fans deserve. However, it's the best we got for now and that's good enough until Hollywood wises up. I would be fine if they never made another Alien Vs. Predator. This movie's successor showed how badly one could be screwed up, and that was lightyears worse than anything in this one. There are literal stacks of stories though... that exist on AVP that would make fantastic movies. Movies so awesome, peoples faces would melt off. No xenomorph acid necessary even. I hope to see one of those stories adapted, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it either way.

Posession

   Belated half written Halloween movie reviews abound! I have drafts just sitting around on reviews for Rosemary's Baby, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Curse of Chucky, and The Exorcist! However, if I never get to those, you'll at least have this. Everyone knows about those other movies, yet it took a fair bit of digging for me to discover this movie. Possession was worth discovering, and is worth taking the sole place of my ultimate belated Halloween movie review. This movie had me figuratively crawling out of my skin in the first hour alone, which is nothing more than soap opera-esque melodrama between an estranged couple. However, the second hour... is insanity on a stick and had me squirming at much more visceral things.

  The strength of this first hour is the laser-like precision in which the melodrama plays out. It feels real. You almost forget it's even acting. The tension is palpable as Mark (Sam Neill) returns home from his job abroad to his small son, and distressed wife, Anna (Isabelle Adjani) who is insisting upon a divorce. She is adamant that it's not because she found someone else, but Mark isn't so sure. The tension between them steadily climbs as the movie progresses until it's almost unbearable. You can FEEL their rage, anguish, sadness, frustration, and ultimately... their insanity.

  When things take a strange turn though, Mark starts uncovering something especially sinister and unnatural behind his wife's behavior. The movie descends into darkness midway through it's second act, and plunges into mind-bogglingly weird territory in the third. The transition from nerve grating marital feuds to a dark and supernatural occultish mystery is handled with surprising mastery. We don't realize how much the first act, was setting up the last two. When things start revealing themselves, Anna's behavior make newfound sense. ...Even if little else does at that point. You're so caught up in the sheer craziness though that you cannot even stop to ask 'why' because the movie never attempts to fool you as to what it is: an unbridled descent into pure madness.

  It would make a fantastic double feature with In The Mouth of Madness. Though this movie is less... flamboyant in the way that Madness was. Though if any other movie deserved that amazing title, it's Possession.  Sam Neill is on the ball as Mark, a spy who's work seems to be messing up his home life, we think nothing of his profession right away as it's played very low key. It doesn't seem to be of any consequence until the insane (it's pretty much the perfect adjective for this movie. Bear with me.) third act.
He plays Mark with brutal sincerity, he cares about Anna and goes to unreal ends trying to make things work between them. It shows in every intense moment of his screentime. He balances his role perfectly, going crazy and desperate, but never chewing scenery. He plays well with Isabelle Adjani who gets so little screentime with him, in which they're NOT being totally hostile to each other, one would readily believe they hated each other off camera as well.

  The movie has a small contained character list, but the few that are there are colorful and bring the movie to life. However, this movie is singlehandedly stolen in ONE scene by Adjani. It's a scene which I refuse to spoil, but it has her character freaking out and flailing around. This scene is disturbing, and she takes it to the limit and the goes beyond. She hurls herself across the set with the recklessness of a mental person. Her physical devotion to this seen is unrivaled, it's almost painful to watch, because you refuse to believe the actress herself doesn't have a massive headache. What's even more amazing (or cruel. Up to you.) is that the scene goes on... and on and on and on. It's all in one take and it escalates more and more and more. It feels almost neverending. I kept expecting that any second they'd cut away, or change scenes. Nope. They follow this crazy moment all the way to it's grueling conclusion.

  Even with all that description, I doubt anyone could be prepared for that moment when it comes. It's so intense, I was wide-eyed and glued to the screen. That one scene is so amazing on every level that it alone is worth seeing the movie for. That one moment is so worth it. The movie is amazing already, and then it had that scene and just blew me away. The movie only gets stranger from there on out. I would be crazy myself to think I could even make sense of the final act, but it was certainly captivating! It has built up so much tension and nerve grating suspense that when everything begins to unravel it all violently spirals out of control. Which is honestly, fascinating to watch. It feels like an H.P. Lovecraft story, so much of the raw horror stems from something creepy, unknown, and lurking in the shadows of the plot around every turn. When we finally get to see it, we're hardly prepared for it. However, I do know one thing, this movie was awesome.

  I wholeheartedly recommend you see this movie if you can handle it.  The melodrama of the first hour is just as brutal and disturbing as the second hour, which somehow manages to out-do the first by sheer insanity. It's creative, creepy, disturbing, enthralling and very well acted. It may not always make sense, but it knows it too. It's a nightmare in every sense of the word, and believe me, that's a compliment! It plays like a lite version of Antichrist. (that's not really a bad thing either...) And it's also akin to the fantastic Jacob's Ladder, with all the Lovecraftian stylings you could want. How does that not sound awesome?

Planet of the Apes

  This is undeniably a classic movie. However with all the advances in technology since freakin' 1968, I think it's safe to say it'd be hard pressed to find an accepting audience in today's world. The movie is a good one, no doubt. Full of wide-eyed spectacle, some thrilling set pieces, and some really good acting. Planet of the Apes is also unfortunately, criminally dated. I can't imagine the youth of today not laughing at the incredibly stilted ape prosthetics. Which could alienate whole audiences. I can't say I grew up with this movie, I first saw it when I was 12 or 13. Which was only 6 or 7 years ago. Yet, I loved it. I took it seriously. I was capable of appreciating what it was, and when it came from. Thus, I enjoyed it alot.

  Sci-fi spectacle nowadays, outside of the indie market, usually has someone like Will Smith heading it, and David Goyer behind the scenes somewhere. While this isn't necessarily bad, I believe that most science fiction movies nowadays, have lost their sense of grandeur and scale, and most certainly their sense of importance. My point is honestly that Sci-Fi has become a genre all about special effects. Which is why a modern audience might very well reject Planet of the Apes on it's own merit. It's not impressive compared to anything we have nowadays. Not visually at least. And while I do believe it was certainly ahead of it's time for the 60's, it's no longer that advanced anymore.

  However, if you can appreciate older movies without judging them next to today's standard, then you might enjoy Planet of the Apes. A movie so indelibly ingrained into society and pop culture that we're still making movies in the franchise. (Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is coming out in 2014 as a sequel to 2011's Rise of the Planet of the Apes, a rather successful reboot.)  However there is more to 'Apes than the makeup effects and prosthetics. The movie has a sense of old school charisma. Due in no small part to star Charlton Heston (playing the eponymous 'Taylor). He plays off of his co-stars wonderfully. Kim Hunter and Roddy McDowall are simply wonderful as the benevolent apes, Zira and Cornelius. Who also seem to be the only ones on Heston's side in this freakish world.

  For the sake of anyone who hasn't seen Planet of the Apes, it's about a team of astronauts who're sent into deep space, looking for another habitable world I believe. Yet, thousands of years have passed while they were in hypersleep and they crash land on a foreign planet... that is ruled by apes. Walking, talking, apes.  With their own laws and society, and everything. Humans also exist on this planet, yet they can't articulate any better than a primate you might find at your local zoo. So imagine the shock when the apes are confronted with this man who can articulate as well as any of them. The catch? His throat, and subsequently his vocal chords, were injured early on. Which conveniently prevents him from speaking for most of the movie. Yet when he finally does... hot damn. There's a reason why that line is so iconic. Heston's delivery is as chilling now as it was back in 1968.

  The movie is pretty exciting in my opinion, and some actually criticize it's pacing, saying it's rather slow for today's audiences. I think everything is too slow for today's audiences. I don't think that's a valid critique to level at the movie. The movie opens with a spaceship crash landing on the planet, then the astronauts have to traverse the alien terrain and end up smack in the middle of a hunt, in which apes on horseback, with guns, are violently pursuing a herd of wild humans. The movie then settles in to it's main plot, which is Taylor trying to convince the apes that he's not from this world. He's faced with execution and being lobotomized around every corner. He stages multiple escape attempts, and in the end is granted a small iota of leeway to prove his statements which culminates in another skirmish, and concludes with a most shocking ending. Which despite being plastered all over posters and box art, is still quite shocking in context.

  In conclusion, if your idea of good sci-fi is the Star Wars prequels or i,Robot... then it's a good possibility you won't enjoy Planet of the Apes. However, if you are someone who enjoys the original Star Trek TV series, and movies like 2001: A Space Odyssey, then yes, odds are you'll have a blast with this movie.

No One Lives

  I expected nothing more than a simple revenge flick. Maybe one of those highway thrillers with the band of deranged rednecks who hunt a simple couple to the point of a psychotic break. It's a good thing I watch movies now with next to no knowledge about them, because this movie blind sided me... and trust me, that's a good thing. With a serviceable cast, headed up by the fantastic Luke Evans, and a story full of great twists and turns, No One Lives elevates itself above and beyond a run of the mill splatterfest and becomes a rather great movie.

  I'll give you the basic shakedown of the plot. If the back of the DVD tells you any more, than whoever wrote it should be shot. Preferably by Luke Evans while he stands there looking like a badass. Anyways, the movie is about a group of criminals whose latest haul of ill gotten gain has to be abandoned for their own safety. Looking to make up for their losses, they decide to hijack the trailer, "containing all their worldly possessions..." of a couple who is moving to a new state. Suffice it to say, they did not know who they were fucking with. Seriously. The movie reels you in, in it's first half with a daunting atmosphere and some good acting by Luke Evans and his lovely counterpart. However, you're 110% hooked by the time shit starts getting crazy.

  I will say this though, the major plot twist will instantly land you in one of two categories. One, you're completely alienated. You'll likely be disgusted with the movie and find little reason to keep watching. Two, you find this twist brilliant and can't wait for the inescapable bloodbath to ensue. I can't tell you what the twist is, but your enjoyment of this movie will definitely hinge on it. This movie does not offer a clear cut protagonist. This is not the revenge flick of ye olden days. Despite the fact this has a definite exploitation sensibility about it, it's not a movie where it's easy to find the good guy and just cheer for him. You'll see why, because I wholeheartedly suggest you watch this movie. I thought it was great.

  It's equal parts slasher flick and action flick. It's impossible (provided the twist didn't turn you off) to not have a blast with this movie. Luke Evans is amazing in the role and I think he deserves way more notice for it. I thought he was a serviceable villain in Fast & Furious 6, but here his character is brought to live in such a way... it's just fantastic. The movie is not without it's fair share of shortcomings, but with all the points it's earning for sheer creativity, it's hard to fault it something serious. Also, major props go to Adelaide Clemens, who plays possibly the one balls to bone protagonist here. She holds her own in a boys club full of heavy hitting acting and some serious dramatic shit.  She may be playing a damsel in distress (of sorts) but if so, she's the kind that would make Ellen Ripley proud. 

  She's definitely a smart girl, and a fighter. She wasn't the typical wood chipper fodder that runs about in the woods until some hockey masked maniac machetes her in half. I actually liked this girl's gusto, her drive to survive was measurable in more than just how shrill and loud her scream was. Early on, she's running away from someone/something, and she cuts her foot on some glass. Rather than roll over like a wounded puppy, she pulls a motherfucking John McClane, yanks the glass out, wraps her foot, and keeps fucking running. It was then and there I knew I liked her character, and also when I knew I was in for a treat with this movie. I'm happy to say she didn't get shafted by the ending, something which horror movies seem fond of doing to their protagonists more often than not.

  Her and Luke Evans' character play off of each other brilliantly although they don't come face to face until the last act, their dynamic has been building up the whole movie, and when you see it, it sizzles. The movie has a snappy energetic pacing that kept my attention glued to screen the whole time. This may not be a typical popcorn flick, but if you roll with the punches it's so much fun. It's a gory grindhouse of a good time and I recommend it to anyone whose interest is even remotely piqued by this review. See it! 

Poltergeist

  I have nobody to blame except myself for not having seen this sooner. This Spielberg/Hooper movie is actually fantastic. I've been on a roll with classic horror movies I've never seen before, this was definitely on my list to finally watch. After going through Rosemary's Baby, The Exorcist, The Shining, and Halloween (all of which have reviews pending) I took a break to work on some video reviews. Still haven't published those reviews yet, but I saw Poltergeist last night and felt it was perfect to start off this trend with. The 80's as anyone can tell you is my favorite era for movies. Movies from that era pretty much dominate my favorites list, so I was starting to feel weird that I'd never seen some of these. Boy I was missing a lot of fun. There might be some mild spoilers ahead for anyone who hasn't seen it. Fair warning.

  Poltergeist eases you into the story with this middle-class, all-American family going about their daily routine. The young boy has Star Wars posters on his wall, the little girl plays with toy dolls and ponies, the teenage daughter stays up all night on the phone, and goes out with friends. The parents of course are rarely granted reprieve from their kids. One little thunderstorm and half the family climbs into mom and dad's bed.
So it's a very typical sight. However, it's also a welcome one that never directly descends into cliche.
They seem like a very loving family and they're instantly endearing. They're in for quite the shitstorm though.

  As it turns out the developers the dad works for built the entire neighborhood over old burial ground and the spirits are pissed off. They start messing with this family's house. Small things at first. Objects slide across the floor by themselves. Chairs stack themselves when nobody is looking. Voices communicate with the little girl through the TV and she states, rather iconically: "They're heeeere!" It's a very unnerving moment despite having seen it out of context only a hundred times. However, things begin to escalate. Another thunderstorm hits, and the creepy tree outside smashes through a window and pulls the boy out... and begins to eat him. Things go crazy all over and it's sheer chaos.

  The special effects on display, while a few decades old, hold up VERY well. I believe that special effects main purpose are to help the story tell it's tale without getting in the way or distracting from it. The effects in Poltergeist do just that. They seamlessly blend into the narrative, heightening the scare factor exponentially. Some older movies aren't so lucky, (i.e. ED-209 in RoboCop) when you see an effects heavy scene, sometimes it's so jarring the only thing you can think is "oh look, a special effect." Thankfully that disconnect never occurs in this movie.

  At one point in the movie, the family has a team of paranormal investigators over. The trio boasts about having seen a toy car move across a linoleum surface, by itself, over a period of... seven hours. The dad's reaction is priceless, right before he shows them a whole room of objects swirling around and being animate all by themselves. Again, more priceless reactions. A lesser movie would've had the trio of paranormal investigators run out of the house, screaming. Usually when paranormal investigators show up in movies, they're crackpot hacks with an agenda, and almost ALWAYS out of their league. Thankfully, these characters didn't fall into cliche like that. They stick around and despite being way out of their depth, they make every effort to assist the family in every way they can. This trio of characters was pretty great like that. They seemed like people genuinely interested in helping. Not just making money or something. That was refreshing.

  The special effects only get bigger and better as the story careens towards it's impressive and gut wrenching climax. In my humble opinion, 90% of any effective horror movie is good acting. Even a movie with outstanding special effects can be reduced to pseudo-parody by shoddy acting. Safe to say, this movie was excellent acting from all the actors. Special credits to the mom who went through some crazy shit in this movie. Also, I've always felt the stakes in anything are raised when kids are involved. You don't mess with parents and their kids. Threaten their kids, and they'll brave demons and hell itself to protect them. It's amazingly emotional. It's also why Aliens is one of my all time favorite movies. The trio of main characters, Ripley, Newt, and Hicks, form a sort of makeshift family unit. Forged together under the fire of survival. It works so well in almost any movie where the actors are up to it. Poltergeist is no exception. Fighting to save the lives of your kids is always more intense than fighting to save your own life. There's something about that which takes Poltergeist to the next level, managing to be a thoroughly effective, moving, funny, and scary horror movie despite it's PG rating.  I've seen R rated horror movies that were nowhere near this stirring.

  Great movie.

Street Trash

  This... movie... broke me. Almost at least. I contemplated turning it off and walking away from it. I never do that. Yet... I feared for my sanity. (Thar be spoilers in these waters, ye've been warned. Arrr.) Did I turn it off at the mob of hobos who abduct a woman, and presumably rape and murder her? No. Did I turn it off when a man drinks a strange acidic drink, and melts himself down a toilet? No. It was when someone ripped off a guy's penis, and played catch with it in a junkyard. I paused the movie as the severed fake looking plastic dild- er I mean penis, flew through the air... and I sat in shock. Already quite audibly stunned at the ripping off of said dildo (ahem) penis. I was even more shocked to find the hobos in this junkyard, gleefully ready to play keep-away with it, as it's owner, holding his bloodied crotch, waddles after them screaming for them to put it on ice. I sat, with the movie paused, stunned. Wondering if this would be the first movie I felt compelled to write a review on that I never finished.

  Well, safe to say, I did finish it. I can't say I regret it either. It's a top contender for one of the craziest, nastiest, most colorful, vulgar, and most disgusting movies I've ever sat through. In a good way if that's possible. I don't know how to classify this movie. It's funny enough to be a comedy, it's horrific enough to be horror, and in a peripheral sense it can even classify as action and sci-fi.
Can any one genre contain it? I don't personally think so. It's so batshit crazy, that things like plot, story, and acting fall by the wayside here. The star of the movie is it's gore, and the best supporting role is it's unique brand of insanity. It's like if Sam Raimi, Peter Jackson, John Carpenter and someone from the Crayola company (yes the one that makes crayons) all got drunk off their asses and decided to make the most crazy random and gross-out movie they could think of. I can certainly see the appeal believe it or not. The appeal is in it's strangeness.

  I'll get back to it's appeal after I tell you what it's about. It's about this mysterious liquor called "Viper". A liquor store owner digs up a crate from the basement of his shop as something to sell all the hobos that come around for dirt cheap. What this guy doesn't know, is that Viper melts people. One sip, and it melts you on the way down. Some people melt into the colors of a rainbow, as chunks of their flesh fall off and their rib cage hangs out, and some people explode in a veritable geyser of nearly neon pink blood. Seeing as how the store owner sells it so cheap, apparently only the hobos buy it. A bunch of people get caught up in this ever-evolving web of lies, deceit, homeless people, police, murder, rape, and this fuckin' booze that melts people.
There's quite a few characters here, and frankly too many to list, but you got your protagonists, and your antagonists, and then you got the police. So yeah.

  Anyways, the appeal of Street Trash lies in it's strangeness. There's always someone who thinks they've seen it all, and then there's another person smug with the fact they know that person hasn't seen Street Trash. It's not going to win points for good acting, or a good story, or anything like that. But it's super fucking weird. "Have you seen the one about the booze that melts people?" No? Well, if that's the kind of question that would pique your interest, congratulations. You'll probably find a way to watch this movie before the end of the week. I track down movies like this. Movies so crazy and nuts, you just gotta show em around to see other people's reactions. Not being able to contain your laughter as all the meat comes to life in the butcher shop and tries to kill everyone inside (Dead Heat) or when the giant alien worm molests the lady to death (Galaxy of Terror) and you're watching everyone's facial expressions. That's the appeal of Street Trash.

  It goes above and beyond the call of duty to maintain it's weirdness, and honestly it does it alot better than a movie I just realized it reminds me of, Class of Nuke Em' High. Both movies deal with gross out factors like so, but Nuke Em' High drags, unable to keep my attention glued to the screen like this movie did. From it's impressively well executed opening chase, it's tongue and cheek nature is irrepressible. It is funny. Not in a so-bad-I-need-to-laugh way, but in that there was some decent humor written here. I warn you, I may just be in some form of shock, and this might not be funny at all, but I found myself actually laughing a few times. It was surprising, but welcome. It doesn't stop to crack a joke, like a Troma film would. It doesn't grind to a halt in it's attempts to be funny. It flows naturally. I think some of the actors do a decent enough job to sell it too.

  Beyond it's humor lays a neon colored, lurid mess of gore, junkyard violence, street fights, foot chases, vietnam flashbacks, and one of the coolest, most icky ways to finish off the villain in a climax ever. I liked Street Trash. It was shocking, but not traumatic. It's cheesy enough to take the edge off of it's disgusting gore, even though a few scenes are surprisingly unnerving and incredibly effective. The plot meanders from encounter to encounter. Story lines are picked up and then dropped like a hot potato. Narratively, the movie is a mess. However I can't bring myself to dislike it. It may be a mess, but it was more captivating and weird than any number of movies who promise the same disgusting attractions. It's about booze that melts people, and the hobos whose lives it changes. This isn't exactly high brow cinema. I hate it when reviewers use that excuse, but for this once, I give it a hall pass. The whole goal of this movie, is to be gross and stick in your head. If it has to puke up it's internal organs in a colorful variety of blue, pink, green and purple to achieve that, it'll do it. If you actually want to see it after this review, than I wholeheartedly suggest you do so. If not? Stay away. You may need therapy afterwards.

Dark Angel

  Every so often you come across a movie you've never heard about in a genre populated by movies you'd be better off not hearing about, and this movie ends up being really damn cool. Enter: Dark Angel (a.k.a. 'I Come In Peace') Dolph Lundgren in the spotlight, and at his finest. This is arguably on par with Showdown in Little Tokyo for sheer enjoyment factor if anything. It's essentially a buddy cop movie, with a sci-fi twist. Gotta love those. With lots of snarky wit and plenty of explosive action, Dark Angel more than makes up for it's tiny shortcomings and with gusto no less. The effects aren't state of the art, but they're unique, well executed and fun to look at. This is a movie for a lazy friday night in, easily marathoned with the likes of The Hidden (which edges out marginally as the better movie, despite many similarities), and Deep Rising (pre-Mummy Steven Sommers, putting giant tentacled creatures on a cruise ship).

  That's the kind of group of movies you can lump this in with. Though dare I say, of those, Dark Angel has the superior plot. In The Hidden (a movie I thoroughly love by the way) a parasitic alien comes to Earth, finds a host body and decides to steal fast cars, listen to rock and roll, do drugs and blow stuff up. Then another alien, teaming up with a local cop, comes to stop him. Deep Rising is well... Aliens on a cruise ship.
Dark Angel however is about an alien who's come to Earth to harvest endorphins from humans, which is known on other worlds as the purest drug in existence. Of course this Vigo the Carpathian looking fucker, doesn't give a shit that his brutal harvesting process is entirely fatal. (Would you like an extraction tube shoved into your skull? No?) It's up to Dolph and partner to stop the evil baddie and save the day.

  The movie balances it's two genres really well. On one hand, you have your typical cops vs. drug dealers story, and all the gunfights and such that you'd expect. On the other hand, you have something of a Terminator nature. A hulking unstoppable otherworldly menace, preying on people, leaving a trail of corpses in his path. He fidgets with his alien weapons and gadgets, bringing to mind the Predator actually. These little gadgets are used to great effect to convince us this guy is an alien, and not just a tall guy with white contacts in. They beep and hiss and have neat little built in lights. They look decidedly cool, very cool. Unfortunately, the villain is kind of a one-trick-pony. He's at his max scary level when he's chasing you or shooting at you. It all falls apart when you make him growl or linger around on screen too long. You realize the guy isn't as scary looking as you might've thought, and his 'alien' growling sounds pathetic.

  That's okay though because his 'space gun' seems to fire Michael Bay bullets. Everything freaking explodes. Like... you have no idea. Each bullet or laser blast or whatever, seems to have the explosive capacity of a hand grenade. Cars explode and fly across the screen in a frenzy of sparks and flame, and you think... woah. That's pretty cool. It's shameless overkill, but it's better than some shitty penciled in animated laser beams that only seem to knock people on their asses. Not to mention the gun is fully automatic. Do the math. It's epic stuff. Not to mention, it's extra cool because Dolph Lundgren is at home in this role. He has a personality. Cliche as it might be, it works. He's not a robot here, nor does the script require him to be. He's not some rogue cop with a tortured past. He doesn't carry a desert eagle, and he doesn't drive a ferrari. He's just a cop who likes to get shit done. We'll allow him the fancy karate kicks, okay? He has good chemistry with his co-stars and they sell it all real well. Granted, Dolph has some lines that are clunkers, but hey... don't kill the messenger yeah? Writer's fault. All in all, him and his preppy FBI partner are pretty damn fun to watch.

  As an action junkie, you won't be wanting after this. You have car chases, fist fights, an obligatory strip club scene of T&A ("I think all the blood is leaving my head...") and PLENTY of shootouts. All of it done with the style and technical proficiency of a movie that you'd never guess is rather low budget. It's technically sound. It looks great too. This is a movie that is completely understanding of what it is. Lowest common denominator entertainment. However, it's surprisingly well acted and the plot is nothing to shrug at either. I was very impressed. If you want some cheap B movie thrills that deliver exactly what those over-the-top VHS covers seem to promise (and rarely deliver...) you'd do well to check out Dark Angel. I really adore movies like this. Fast, bloody, and smarter than it has any right to be, this one kicks ass.

Dead End Drive-IN

  Can't complain much about Dead End Drive-In. It does what it sets out to do with flair and gusto. As a post apocalyptic, 80's, Ozploitation flick, it manages to be incredibly fun. It's not a stupid movie, it's not a bad movie, and I can safely say I'd watch it again. I suppose an appreciate of the genre might be tinting my glasses a bit, but that doesn't change the fact that the story is creative, the acting is good, and the whole thing builds to a very satisfying climax that left me smiling and nodding in approval. After a veritable slew of movies that left me cold, or impartial, this was refreshing. Not groundbreaking or game-changing, just good solid fun. Nothing wrong with that.

  In the "future", 1990's, things have become practically post-apocalyptic. I say practically because there still seems to be a functioning form of government, unlike say... The Road Warrior. The government is corrupt as ever and there are a slew of Drive-In's that are essentially prisons for riff-raff and the unemployed. Your wheels are hijacked by the cops, and you're stuck. The fence is electrified, there's a cantina, showers, and a movie every night. This is actually a better situation for most of these young delinquents than what they had outside. They've formed a crude inner-society among themselves and wouldn't leave if they had the option.
Our protagonist however, doesn't want to stay, and he's prepared to fight to get out.

  The hero, "Crabs" as they call him, is like a young Australian David Duchovny. I seriously can't get past that. It was uncanny. Completely irrelevant, but uncanny. The actor is actually very good and he's instantly endearing as he seems to be a respectable guy amidst a whole society of degenerate creeps. I mean, even Max Rockatansky found allies eventually. Not our guy, even his girlfriend eventually warms up to the Drive-In and decides to stay. Trying to break out of this Drive-In seems to be harder than it looks too. Our hero has the odds stacked against him impossibly so. Nobody even wants to escape. He's entirely on his own. It's also worth noting that he has a decent and loving family back home. I can imagine most of these others don't.

  The movie isn't a thrill-a-minute action movie, and is actually more akin to your average prison escape movie in terms of pacing. There's lots of tension, a few brawls, learning the ropes of the place, seeing our hero plan his escape, get foiled a couple times, and then finally- well I won't tell you if he gets out or not. It's fun though, and very entertaining. The movie's concept is clever too. When Crabs and his girlfriend Carmen pull into the ticket booth in the beginning, the sign says "$10.00 ADULT. $3.50 UNEMPLOYED."  Crabs says unemployed, and thus instantly condemns him and his girlfriend to a veritable lifetime there. There's a real sense of being trapped, but what's really unnerving is how everyone there is completely content to stay.
It didn't even take Carmen that long to warm up to the place. Which was rather unbelievable since we have no idea what her life outside was like, for contrast.

  However in the end, I was thoroughly satisfied with this neat little movie. A likable and well-acted protagonist goes a long way in a movie like this. I enjoyed it. I recommend it too. Fun movie with a neat premise and a very convincing (if not a very dated) set. Definitely gets the stamp of approval from me.

The Dark Side of the Moon

  There must be a literal blueprint somewhere on how to make an 'Alien' knock off. Industrial looking corridors, check. Strobe lights, check. Sweat and condensation, check. Bursting steam vents, check. Creepy entity or otherworldly villain, check. The Dark Side of the Moon follows this checklist to the letter, and as a result, it's actually pretty passable. The devotion to the Alien aesthetic is inspiring in an odd way. This movie comes off as more of a love letter to Alien as fearful characters peer around corners in closeups, sweating and keeping an eye out for the creature. However, does this mean it's a good movie? That remains to be seen.

 There are hundreds of Alien knockoffs and then there's the people who watch them. Who either fall into one of two categories. There are those who love this format so much, they will watch all the Alien knockoffs with some measurable amount of glee. If not outright glee, mild satisfaction. Then there are those looking for good sci-fi horror. The latter bunch would be better off simply re-watching Alien. The odds of finding a movie that matches Alien's quality in a genre populated by low budget DTV crap, are astronomical. This movie is strictly middle of the road for the most part. There's one neat idea in the whole movie and it's a really neat one, but something only comes of it in the last minute. Which I'd say was worth it in my opinion.

  There's a ship, it's in space, there's another ship which is like... abandoned or something. Obviously the two link up because the first ship is having issues and needs help. So when they use the oxygen from the derelict ship to replenish their own, "something" gets aboard. I say "something" because even after having watched it I'm not sure what it is. It travels from host to host, it can control them, and it considers itself god-like. It's motivations are basically... non-existent. Kill, basically. I guess. Lemme just say, in an odd reversal from the usual fare, the creature is not what's worth watching this movie for. The production values are higher than one might think. The acting is better than it has any right to be, and there's a palpable sense of dread and a real creepy atmosphere in the movie. Granted, you might be better off still watching Alien again or Event Horizon for that matter... but there's something endearing about this movie. In a late-night, VHS, bargain bin, kind of way.

  You fully expect it to suck, and the special effects to be utter shit. However the movie surprised me with it's persistently adequate attributes. This is not a bad movie. It's not particularly a good one, but only because there are so many better than it. I'm at a bit of a quandary with this movie. I didn't dislike it, and I can't say I liked it. It was so cookie-cutter-Alien, that I can't recommend it. Yet I can't bash it, because despite it's shoestring budget it replicates the atmosphere and tension that made Alien so scary. Isn't that worth a few brownie points at least? It doesn't look painfully cheesy, the lead actor is actually pleasant to watch and root for, and the weakest part of the movie aside from the strange alien entity, is the dialog. Which is often hokey as hell. Not much ever gets explained about the creature thing, and the movie might've been better off without it altogether.

  The ending surprised me, and the very very end, was actually really cool. Merits that are not easy to achieve in a DTV B-movie. So I guess the highest compliment I can pay this movie, is that I respect it for trying. Unfortunately, it still doesn't do anything that other movies haven't done better. Thus unless you are someone (like me) with an outright affinity for these Alien knockoffs, steer clear. Though I can't believe you'd run into this movie unless you're looking for it. It's so obscure. Having said that, I can say you probably won't be bored with it. I was entertained, if only in the most basic sense. This movie will quietly and unceremoniously fade into my memory getting lost somewhere between Forbidden World and Event Horizon. Both of which I'd gladly watch again. The Dark of the Moon is not a movie I'll miss, but it deserved it's watch. Kudos for giving it your best guys.

Sorority House Massacre 3: Hard to Die

  There could be much to love about a movie like this, it's typical Jim Wynorski fare, but it's merits are solely up to the viewer.Who is Jim Wynorski you might ask? He directed such gems as Sorority House Massacre II, Deathstalker II, Dinosaur Island, Cheerleader Massacre, Busty Cops, and Busty Cops Go Hawaiian. You get the picture. I went on a "bad movie diet" a while ago, and you might think that means I avoided bad movies, you'd be wrong. It was pretty much nothing but B-movies, Z-movies, and flat out bad movies. So, Wynorski's name came up a bit. I think you have to have a personal affinity for cheesy and/or bad movies to find any merit in ones like this. I'm pretty sure I do. Yet I also have a few distractions on hand in case the movie drags or gets boring. (i.e. YouTube, Facebook, the internet in general)

  Hard to Die was billed on the cover as the "Female Die Hard!" and it shows a chick with an assault rifle, in naught but her undergarments. Right away this tells me two things about the movie, it will have scantily clad women and guns. I'm totally cool with that. Sign me up. However this is where things go south, and I say that not with a disappointed frown, but a smile as I'm trying to refrain from laughing. The movie is about a bunch of women on a work release or something, looking for work I guess? They find themselves having to clean up a building or something... Now, bear with me. I may be confusing Hard to Die with several other movies.

   You might ask, "Several?" and yes. Several. A funny thing about these movies, including (but not limited to...) Sorority House Massacre II, and Slumber Party Massacre, is that they all reuse footage. From the same movie apparently. I believe it's Slumber Party Massacre actually. Not ONLY is the footage used as flashback/backstory material, the entire context is changed in each movie. They have no connection and no real canon to speak of, yet ALSO a main actor from Slumber Party Massacre, makes an appearance in all of these other movies! Playing an identical character each time! Whether this was sheer laziness, or an in joke, or what... I don't know. But in retrospect, it's friggin hilarious.

  So yeah, Hard to Die is no exception to the reusing of that scene from Slumber Party', and as a result you can tell this is not going to be an action movie. The comparison to Die Hard is amazingly puzzling. (to say nothing of insulting) The only thing they have in common is humans, being called a movie, and one could stretch a bit and say they both take place in high rise buildings. That's it. The antagonist in the movie is actually a pissed off homicidal spirit who can possess people. The twist is that the bad guy is not who you think it is until the end. Which I can't help but spoil later on in this review.

   Meanwhile though, the movie makes the stupidest excuses to get the girls into their bras and panties and nothing else. So while on the job, they get stranded in this building somehow, and because their bored and they feel entitled or whatever, they decide to open some boxes of lingerie and try it on. Haha, sorry, what? Lemme just go try on some underwear that doesn't belong to me in front of a bunch of other people who I've only known for a couple hours because that's completely normal right? OF COURSE! Oh and there's a shower scene before they try on the lingerie. Cool beans?
One girl grabs her boob, and it squeaks. Yes, like a cartoon... rubber ducky... honk honk, squeak. That is the maturity level of the movie. Or if you'd prefer, stupidity level. Whichever works for you.

 Then the movie has them running up and down hallways and looking for stuff or something, which is all stupid because... none of this is sexy in the slightest, or even MILDLY creepy. Something which Slumber Party Massacre was, very creepy. The lingerie isn't sexy, it looks tacky and ill-fitting. The girls aren't really all that hot. It's kinda a game of... which one is the least bad looking. I kid, somewhat. They're not bad looking, but if you're going to have a bunch of ladies take their clothes off and run around in their panties for 80-90 minutes, at least do us the genre-necessary courtesy of having hot women do this.

   There are hundreds upon hundreds of shitty B-movies that have no shortage of beautiful women, baring all for the camera. It's not impossible. So, again, while these girls aren't bad looking, they're just average. Maybe one or two is really cute. But alas. Then I think there's like... only one gun in the whole movie, until the cops show up in the final 15 seconds. So, action is a bust too. Mostly the movie is full of these girls getting murdered by whoever is possessed by the spirit.

  Lets talk about the ending though, spoilers galore by the way.  The cops show up to rescue the last two girls, when the big creepy guy shows up who's been chasing them the whole time (same dude who appears in all these movies) only the movie pulls a total Shayamalan on us and reveals, he's just trying to save them, and the spirit actually possessed one of the two girls! Dun dun DUNNN. The possessed girl starts speaking in a deep "scary" voice, which sounds retarded and she has a "climatic" showdown with the creepy fat janitor dude who the other girls all but tortured thinking he was the villain.

Hahahaha. This is seriously the end of the movie. The fat creepy janitor fights the possessed chick, channeling the voice of a guy, who's voice has actually been deepened to sound creepy. It's so mercilessly stupid and weird and random. This is where I broke, and I lost it. I died with laughter, I rolled around on my couch, laughing. I'm not quite sure if I was hopelessly laughing like a depressed madman at the 90 minutes
 of my life I'll never get back, or laughing because the stupidity of this movie finally K.O.'d my funny bone. I'm convinced nobody ever meant for this movie to be serious, and that's okay, because the laugh I had at the end was worth it. It was worth all of it. Maybe not the weird pedo hand-holding as they wheel the creepy fat janitor and the surviving girl away on stretchers side by side, with the fade to black closing in with a heart shaped cut-out over their hands... maybe it wasn't worth that... but it was worth everything else!

As a footnote, I should explain my history with this movie by the way. On my bad movie diet, I had totally sunk my teeth into the other "Massacre" movies, but couldn't find a copy of this one. As my bad movie binge continued on and on, I became more determined to find this movie. It eluded me... for a whole year. Maybe more. I found so many other obscure and retarded movies that no human should have ever wasted their time on... (and they did) but I could not find this. I was convinced that it was the holy grail of bad movies. Eventually a friend got me access to an invite only site that specializes in shitty movies like this, and I found it. So, Hard to Die earned a permanent place in my folder of B-movies, even though I may never watch it again...


...alone, that is.

 Cue the creepy smile, eerie theme music, and the cliche fade to black. Roll credits.

V/H/S 2

  V/H/S 2 is a really cool movie. It's the second installment in the V/H/S series, in which each movie is a found footage anthology that is tied together by a single setting in a pair of bookend and transitional scenes. (I say series, cause a third is being made, and well... you know horror movies. They never stop at three.)
I'm not a huge fan of found footage movies. They tend to either be cool, like Cloverfield (step off haters) or just shitty like some I won't even grace with a mention. I've heard reactions about the initial V/H/S, and they ranged from "It was cool" to "AWFUL" and doing a bit more digging, I found many people to be disappointed with it. Fortunately, the sequel was getting all kinds of good buzz. Even from some friends of mine. So I figured I'd give it a shot.

  Really glad I did too, this movie is indeed really cool. I don't wanna say great, because being an anthology with several segments, not all of them are actually that good. Yet some are fantastic. One, specifically, but we'll get to that later. There is so much potential in anthology films, one of my personal favorites, Heavy Metal, pulled it off rather well. In Heavy Metal which is animated and in general is worlds apart from V/H/S 2, save for the fact they're both anthology films... in Heavy Metal, you have a variety of art styles, animation techniques, and the like. You get something different from each segment. Most are really cool, and some you just kinda... sit through. Another anthology film I liked was the Animatrix, same bag essentially. Speaking of variety and quality, V/H/S 2 falls right in line. There are some segments which are just cool enough to keep you watching, and others which are sheer awesome.

  The key to V/H/S 2's success is that it puts the clips in the right places. In terms of quality especially. To break it down, I'll review each segment and then review the film's worth as a whole.

  Tape 49 is the framing narrative that ties all the clips together. I thought it wasn't that bad, it was appropriately creepy for the most part, and overall served it's function if nothing else. Ye be warned, arr, thar be spoilers in these waters, arrr. Okay, so, Tape 49 is about a private investigator and his girlfriend(?)/assistant/partner who're hired to find a missing young man by his mother who apparently hasn't heard from him in a while. So they go to the guy's house and break in at night, only to find some pretty weird shit. A bunch of old TV's and tape decks, VCRs, and stacks of recording VHSs.  While the guy goes around looking at other shit, the girl sits down to look through these tapes for evidence. Plausible.
Okay, this is where I have issues with it. Each tape is apparently what any sane person would think, is some of the outright goddamn freakiest shit ever...

  Yet! She barely reacts to them, and after each segment, the little narrative finds some reason to have her play the next one, until she actually passes out due to their 'supernatural' effect I guess. Then her boyfriend rushes in to see what happened, he's holding her, checking on her... and instead of, I DON'T KNOW, getting her to a fucking hospital, what does he do...? HE PUTS THE NEXT TAPE IN.  I audibly shouted "Bullshit!" at that moment. Seriously. Not to mention the theory that the tapes have some effect on you, doesn't apply here, because he conveniently never SAW any of them. Somehow he was out of the room, each damn time, and for the WHOLE time she watched these segments. I won't spoil the ending or the mini plot about what happened to the missing guy, which is pretty neat actually, so it makes up for it. Almost.

  Anyways the first segment she watches is called Phase 1: Clinical Trials, which I think was okay overall, I think it was creepy, and well made, but far from mind blowing or anything. It's basically about a guy who gets a new prosthetic eye which is a camera that actually jacks into the optic nerve, allowing the guy to see out of that eye. However, shit gets messy when he starts seeing dead people that night at home. The plot actually has a few neat twists in it's limited run time and actually surprised me more than I thought it would. It even has a little bit of humor in there, which is never unwelcome if done right. The acting was solid and it made good use of the first person perspective angle, but how the digital video signal relayed from his camera eye to the hospital or whatever, made it's way onto an obsolete video format is beyond me. This is actually something that bugged me. For a movie that's central motif is VHS tapes, you'd think their one requirement from these segments (all written and directed by different teams) is that the story would have to have a plausible way of winding up on a VHS tape. Not all of the stories have this problem, but some definitely do and it's annoying as all can be.

  Following that one was the much better segment, A Ride in the Park. This follows a cyclist, who's attached some P.O.V. cameras onto his helmet and bike for a joy ride down the bike in the park. This of course goes terribly wrong when zombies come into play and he becomes one himself. A horror short from the perspective of a zombie? Even if I'm not a total fan of how it ultimately played out, kudos for one hell of an original angle. I liked this just for the creativity if nothing else. Not to mention the fantastic makeup effects. I won't spoil anything else about this seeing as how it's one of the better ones, but keep in mind the movie is only baiting you for it's awesome centerpiece.

  That piece of awesomeness is titled Safe Haven, and it's easily the best segment in the movie. Probably also the best thing about the movie period. Yeah. So it follows a film crew in Indonesia who convince a new-age cult leader to allow them to come to his compound and interview him about his beliefs and some rumored controversy. Eager to get his word out, he accepts. However, if weird vibes were road blocks, the crew never would've made it up the mountain to the compound. The atmosphere in this one is so gritty and realistic that you know whatever is going to happen is going to be horrifying. Cults are scary as is, cults in movies, moreso (sometimes).  This segment goes all out in every horror department, and scares up a near perfect score  from me. I haven't seen anything as intense as the last part of this segment in ages, my heart was in my throat, and I was legitimately unnerved. Which says alot seeing as how I consider myself to be a fairly desensitized viewer. Safe Haven shows alot of things head on, but doesn't need to rely on shock effect alone to scare you, it's haunting atmosphere, frantic pacing and amazing acting really sells the story and situation. Also, I can totally understand how this might actually end up on VHS which makes it creepier all the more.

  Lastly we have Slumber Party Alien Abduction which I hate to say is not one of the stronger ones. No use trying to hide the fact it's about Aliens or anything. I'll just say it, the story is balls. I didn't like it. Parents go away on vacation or something leaving their irresponsible teenage daughter (who's just gonna shack up with her boyfriend. Tch. Cliche.) in charge of her younger brother, and his buddies who're having a sleepover. Then Aliens show up and start abducting everyone. The Aliens are cool and this reminds me of something X-Files might've used as a cold open in one of their episodes, unfortunately the characters are so plainly annoying, cliche, and ill-introduced that when certain ones get abducted or attacked, you don't really care. Following Safe Haven, I can't imagine anything not being a disappointment in some manner, but this one wasn't really good. I mean, not to say it was bad, but it had no twist, it was paper thin, and full of unlikable characters. It's easily the most uncreative story in the bunch and that's sad because the visual treatment of the aliens was really scary and effective. I dunno how they managed to make a segment about alien abductions, not have it be amazing, and use it to cap off the film? Lame. But not a total tragedy. I've seen worse.

  We then come full circle back to Tape 49's conclusion, ultimately wrapping up the film in a neat way that I really enjoyed. On the whole, the movie is fun and unique and at times, scary. What it occasionally lacks in quality, it makes up for with sheer creativity and fun. If not for the couple weak links, V/H/S 2 might've been a bona-fide genre classic. It's certainly one of the better found footage films I've seen, and along with it's use of practical effects, I can say I'm a fan. Looking forward to more as well. Sign me up.

The Matrix Reloaded

  As you all well know, I'm a huge fan of the original. Yet I've found it hard to talk about in reviews, I have, but still, you can only say "amazing" so many times. I think I have much more to talk about when it comes to this sequel. The Matrix is back, everyone and everything you loved from the first one is back. Sadly, this movie alienated a lot of fans, and I totally understand why. There's a lot to crack into with Reloaded, from the action scenes to the 'philosophies' in the movie, and most importantly where the story has gone from the first movie. The Matrix Reloaded is so densely packed that it doesn't suffice to simply review it. You must dissect it.

  In this movie, we see the return of Agent Smith, who we all know was good and well deleted in the last movie. Pretty much... However, he returns as a rogue agent actually. Not working for the machines, instead fighting for his own purposes. I get this. In a way. Smith has essentially become a virus. He was a program that wouldn't delete right, and combined with some unique circumstances he became a self replicating virus. Which is the best I can explain it. Why isn't he working for the machines? Well, you're the user, your computer is the machines, and computer viruses effectively screw you both. So there. Weak? Maybe. Does the movie provide a better answer? Nope. The return of Smith alone, and then his newfound ability to copy himself (which is just like overwriting a program with another program) left many a viewer in complete confusion. My own conclusion proved satisfactory for me, so moving on!

  Neo has prophetic dreams in this movie, which while the first movie hinted at messianic overtones, likening Neo to a Jesus figure, this movie kinda bashes you over the head with it. Long, ungainly, and trailer-esque speeches are made about "beliefs", "providence" and the "end of the war". These are kind of bloated and a truly ineffective means of exposition. It heightens this sci-fi actioner to religious allegory, and it doesn't gel too well. Lest we forget, Neo can fly, remember? A perfect cliffhanger in it's predecessor which actually pays off here. It's really friggin cool, and if anything helps us to buy into this savior deal. He can fly, stop bullets, fight agents, I mean... why not? Clearly he can bend the rules better than any other freed mind, to a previously unseen extent. The savior thing is cool so far. Even if it is just a bit pretentious. I couldn't help but expect it anyways. It starts to get on my nerves when the narrative is lost in the double speak and biblical overtones.

  For example, the Oracle tells Neo he needs the Keymaker. The Keymaker is held by a power hungry program called the Merovingian. Before long, we forget why we need the Keymaker, if it was ever adequately explained to begin with, we're unsure if rewinding will help. Suppose you have a tenuous grip on the story thus far, a barrage of high concept ideas are thrown at us at an alarming rate. Exiled programs, earlier versions of the matrix itself, Neo has "predecessors", and apparently a program can want to feel love. These can be cool ideas if explored properly, unfortunately, between the incredibly dense and confusing doublespeak, that always seems to lead nowhere, and the movie's incredibly packed visual language... it's so painfully easy to find yourself lost by the wayside.

  One moment you're listening to a five minute speech on "causality", the next, you're finally back to the Keymaker and an insane highway chase that if I remember right is so long, it takes up three scene selection markers and clocks in at around 13 minutes total. Damn. This is actually a big highlight of the movie, but we'll get to that later. The characters in the movie shuffle around from one crazy character to the next, and we seem to get a longer speech each time. Sometimes, I'm fairly certain (not unlike Smith himself) some of the characters are just talking, unsure of what's happening anyways. If the Wachowski's had something to say, there was no reason to hide it in doublespeak. The cool factor of the movie is damaged for all the overly inflated scenes it has like this. In it's best moments, it reminds us why we loved the first one, but in it's worst it floods us with so much head-spinning dialog that we cease to give a shit.

  Some people may level the accusation that it's just "too intellectual for you people". Well, sorry, but look at the first movie. It had a clear cut plot, a complex yet uncomplicated narrative, and a concise story. Not only does it seem like Reloaded doesn't know where it's going, besides to a cliffhanger, it also doesn't know how to cover it up. As a result the movie is populated by confusing speeches which are loaded with symbolism, high concept ideas that allude to a much bigger picture, and it's inhabited by characters which are just as crazy and confusing. If there is a rhyme and reason to this stuff, it's buried deep in the movie. If there is some deep meaning, it's shrouded in bullshit. Which is not something I say lightly. This movie may or may not have something philosophical driving it, but we can never really access the narrative to uncover it.

  All that aside, The Matrix Reloaded also does some things very very right.  For one, the Wachowski's really stepped up the pure spectacle of it. If The Matrix stunned you away with bullettime scenes and such, Reloaded aims to blow you away. Each action scene eclipses the last in both size and sheer intensity. The crazy story facilitates some even crazier fight scenes. I cannot in good conscience say that Reloaded was anything short of amazing when it comes to sheer spectacle. The crazy characters (like the ghost duo) and the action scenes that wrap around them, are amazing. The fantastic highway chase still thrills like no other, and this is no small feat in an age of movies like Fast Five and it's sequels. Morpheus gets to face off with an agent, atop a speeding semi truck. All the while, the scene escalates and escalates, we see the genius of the choreography and chaos. Both Morpheus and Trinity really have their time to shine in this whole scene. If their reputations as badasses were ever in jeopardy from all the speeches and lovemaking (respectively), they're most definitely solid now. It's a great centerpiece to a movie full of great set pieces. What more can one ask for when it comes to action?

  We're also treated to finally seeing Zion, which I heard some people were disappointed with... I don't see why though. I thought it was pretty damn impressive. Especially the machine level. An amazing and thoughtful scene takes place there between Neo and Councillor Hamann. He makes a big analogy about not knowing how the water filtration machine works, only that it needs to work. Referring to Neo and his abilities, (paraphrasing a bit) "I don't know how you do the things you do... but I understand the need for them." Despite all the insane action scenes in this movie, this scene might be my favorite. It's easily one of the more honest and emotional scenes. I like the additions to the cast and (Harold Perrineau) Link just might be my favorite character in Reloaded. He brings humanity to the movie and a much needed heart to the proceedings. He's funny without being comic relief, and completely relatable. After seeing Neo do something quite amazing, spectacular and profound, he drops into his chair, stunned, and simply remarks... "...I can't take this."
It's a line which never ceases to bring a smile to my face, because honestly, everyone else seems to have become accustomed to Neo doing god-like deeds.

  In the end, I'm left wanting. The movie doesn't end on a rousing climatic battle like it's predecessor, it ends on a strange, depressing, and flat out weird cliffhanger. It gets the job done in getting you curious for the next one, but still I can't help but always feel a little let down in the end. I think this movie is a testament to the fact that massive blockbuster action scenes can't save a movie if it's already dead on arrival. I firmly believe that The Matrix could've still succeeded as a movie (if not financially, critically) even if the action scenes were drastically cut back. The Matrix Reloaded would not. This sequel seems to exist only to try and one-up it's predecessor's spectacular action scenes, which it does, but the movie is no better for it. If anything, it's harder to relate to the characters, something which isn't so bad in the first act, but becomes outright awful by the ending. Reloaded, for all it's strangeness and confusing direction, still qualifies as a once-in-a-blue-moon guilty pleasure for me. Which is nice, but no doubt a major drop-off from the first movie, which ranks as one of my top 3 all time favorite movies. It's a mixed bag, and an exciting one (at times) but nowhere near as good as #1. (as if I haven't hammered that point in enough.)

The Matrix

  Some claim it rips off anime, manga, and comic books galore, yet I think quite clearly it draws on them as distinct inspiration and crafts a loving homage to the entire genre. From Ghost in the Shell, to Akira, The Matrix takes themes and visual cues from some already great material. It used them in a way unseen to the audiences of 1999. It felt fresh and inventive. To realize that a lot of the foundation to this movie already existed in other places, some felt betrayed. I can understand that. However, if anything The Matrix simply brought the cyberpunk sub-genre to the masses. In a flashy Hollywood action movie package nonetheless. The pairing of genres is as good as it had been way back in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. A movie which some consider to be one of the best action/sci-fi movies ever. No argument there. I also wouldn't argue having The Matrix tied for that spot.

Nemesis

  This is one of those movies I always saw on the shelf at the video rental store as a kid, and in pretty much any place that sold secondhand VHS tapes. (Usually along with Split Second and Leviathan) The cover art is really eye-catching, but then again a LOT of shitty movies have eye-catching cover art. (i.e. Crime Zone) I mean, there are whole websites devoted to that phenomenon. I love it. Unfortunately, the fact remains that usually, the movie itself... is still actually shitty. Amazingly, this is one of the few that defies that idea. The cover is every bit as awesome as the movie inside! (see: Guyver 2, and again, Split Second) Just how did this escape the cool cover/shity movie curse? Read on to find out why I dug this archaic macho fest.

American Mary

  There are plenty of horror movies with big ambition that just... fail to make the cut. Or any cut. Or even leave any kind of significant impression on the viewer. I can safely say American Mary is not one of those.
I can't say it's a perfect movie, or even a great one, but it's one that's worth it. It feels fresh, from concept to story to execution. The movie is about a med school student, Mary, studying to become a surgeon. Things get rough though when she can't meet any of her bills. She's incredibly broke, and catching flak from a professor. So, she goes onto craigslist looking for a way to make some quick dough. She ends up in a stripclub of sorts, ready to be a dancer. But when something important pulls away her boss-to-be, he returns with a panicked offer of $5000 to employ her surgical knowledge in a one-time, no-questions-asked situation...

  Of course one thing leads to another, and before we know it, she's dropped out of med school, and has made a name for herself in underground body modification surgery. "Bloody Mary" she's dubbed. What's fascinating about this movie is her character's progression from wide-eyed med student, to something sinister. She's the movie's protagonist, and antagonist. Her situations evoke genuine sympathy from the viewer. Things always seem to get worse for mary, either literally or figuratively. We can see this innocent character getting lost in this crazy world she's let herself get dragged into.  The movie is populated with unique and colorful characters, dark seedy locale, and despicable deeds.

  This is the world of American Mary. One might be wondering how this even qualifies as a horror movie all through the first act, maybe even through the second, but by the time you've arrived at the third act... it takes a steely resolve not to be a bit horrified. At the very least unnerved by the road our protagonist has taken, and how it's changed her. It's not a crime drama, it's not a slasher flick, it's a psychological thriller. Yet, it's not cerebral like the movies usually associated with that genre label. It's a very gritty and grounded movie. Which is part of what makes it so unnerving when all is said and done.

  The actress, Katharine Isabelle, is absolutely stupendous here. If I would've liked anything that this movie couldn't give me, was simply more screentime with her. She's simply electrifying. She inhabits the character of Mary with such sincerity and gusto that you can't help but be instantly endeared to her. This movie could've been an hour longer, and it wouldn't have suffered for it. Simply because she's a joy to watch. Vulnerable one moment, steely cold the next. Isabelle sold every moment with frightening realism. I hope this movie gets noticed, it'd be a crime if it flew under the radar for good.

  Parts of this movie border on beautiful, parts feel downright artistic, but make no mistake... in the end, it's haunting. It's an unconventional thriller with engaging characters, fantastic acting, a chilling story and an amazing lead actress. The movie kinda lost me toward the very end. The final message being "you reap what you sow" didn't feel very satisfactory to me as Mary's newfound lifestyle caught up to her in a big way. However it doesn't really detract from what otherwise is one of the most unique, wild, unnerving, and creative horror movies I've seen in... years. I honestly can't recommend it enough. Be warned though, if you're looking for a college slasher flick, look elsewhere. This movie is head and shoulders above that entire trope/subgenre. If you want something fresh, despite a relatively low budget, and some peripheral stiff acting (albeit, infrequent), you've found it. American Mary succeeds in every way that matters, certainly a 'cut' above the rest.

Gallowwalkers

  I'm a pretty big fan of mister Snipes, but that's not to say all his movies are great. I like a handful of them, and then love Blade II. Gallowwalkers is just a misstep. No doubt about that. Critics aren't too harsh on it (meaning those with a blog who've reviewed it...) and audiences have been pretty cruel. I don't think it's godawful, nor do I think it's good. It'll appeal to some people, but it's a mess. For sure. It's about a man named Aman, who is hunting a band of undead guys. Why? Because they raped his girlfriend, who later died in childbirth. Aman is special because he has... guns... or died once. Or something. His mother was a satan worshiper? Or something. You'll find alot is unclear in this movie. Whether you want to blame the script or the editing, it's up to you. They're both haphazard and it's totally fair game to assign blame wherever one would see fit.

  The first act of the movie is the worst in terms of editing. Events are shown out of order, flashbacks, more flashbacks, current stuff... you have to work your ass off to figure it out. I commend anyone who made it to the second act without going: "Huh...?" Villains are shown, and no reason is ever given as to how they came back from the dead. Even the main villain doesn't know why. He's on a quest for answers. Doesn't get any. Neither do we. But this is lazy and makes no sense. We're given the sense early on that there is a much larger picture in play here, but there really isn't. A group of thugs raped a girl, got killed by her boyfriend a year or so later, they came back to life and want to kill him now. Oh and the main villain wants to bring his son back to life, the one villain who didn't get killed by Aman. The villain is dying to know why he didn't return to life, I'm not sure if anyone ever tells him. It's quite clear why though. Which only makes everything else that much more confusing.

  Aman has super strength apparently. He can decapitate these fuckers just by pulling on their hair. It looks as convincing as a Mortal Kombat fatality and might be cool if he did anything else with his power. But for a man who can decapitate people with his bare hands, he prefers to shoot them instead. At one point he recruits some young guy to help him kill these bad guys. We have no idea why he picked this guy at all. If there was a reason, someone probably mumbled it, or the editor cut it out. NO CLUE. So, Aman goes back home to his adoptive mother, new guy in tow. And apparently Aman has a death trap maze of zombies underground there where he randomly drops the guy and lets him fend for himself in the most half-assed "training" bullshit ever. The editing around ALL of this is simply atrocious.

  So Aman offers the guy a bunch of silver to help defend his place against the bad guys, who're hunting for him or something now... or looking for a woman. I don't really know. It was a chore to sit through. If you haven't quite gotten an idea of the amount of bullshit in the movie by now, you clearly haven't been reading. I shall pay the movie it's due diligence though. I gotta say, the special effects aren't bad. The majority of them are practical effects surprisingly. Which was refreshing. Several people get their heads blown off, and it's all done with good ol' fashioned effects. Lovely. Really. I enjoyed that. Sadly, despite the decapitations and shootouts, this movie is too damn slow to be a bloodbath. The makeup effects are also really cool and top shelf. There's a skinless man in the movie for a bit. He looks fantastic. Sadly he's not shown for long. Then, amongst the gang of undead dudes, they wear the skin and faces of other people. One of them, had the bright idea to wear some lizard skins and iguana tails. It looked really cool and unique.

  That's the extent of good in Gallowwalkers. It wasn't exactly boring, and things came relatively into focus by the second act, but there's too much going on and none of it is done that well. If the whole movie was played out in a linear fashion, it might've been better. It's a mediocre western, barely a horror movie, and it just... isn't worth it in my opinion. Just go watch Blade II again. Much better flick. More entertaining by far.
Snipes is sleepwalking through this role. A role he could play blindfolded and shackled. Not much to say there. It's nice to see him in a movie again, but he can do and should do better.

Evil Dead

  So anyone who's known me for long enough knows I've tried to get them to watch one of the Evil Dead movies with me if they've never seen them. I love the original movies. Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn is one of my all time favorite movies. So naturally when I heard they were remaking Evil Dead... my reaction was somewhat mixed. On one hand it could be impossibly cool. Provided they stick the landing and recognize what made the original two so great. (not including Army of Darkness here, because it's basically a comedy/adventure movie.) On the other hand, it could turn out to suck so horribly that it buries the name "Evil Dead" alongside all the shitty horror movie remakes that just DON'T get it. (see: A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010))

  Something happened that was worse though. It didn't actually suck. The movie itself was alright. I know some of my friends would hate me for saying this. However, I kind of liked it. Not that it deserves to be liked. The movie's basics are solid. Checklist? At least a few characters you don't want to see dead. Check. A decent pace. Check. Some cool gore. Check. A neat ending. Check. So basically... it has the essentials down. Yet, that's about all it has down. It takes cues from the original rather well but fails to grasp the inherent pseudo-comedy of it. Whether or not it was intention way back in 1981, I don't know. Yet the original had a subtly funny charm to it. The passion of the filmmakers shone through their shoestring budget, and produced something new and unique.

  This remake is only 'new' in fact, because it is nothing unique. It doesn't capture the spirit or tone of what made the original so damn fun. In part, I think, because you don't have a central protagonist to root for. There is the brother to the main character, David. Yet, he's kind of bland as a character and never really seems to take charge. Even if he did, it'd be a rip off of Ash. The original trilogy's protagonist. Bringing me to my next point. Ash made the series just as much as any other ingredient. This movie didn't want to try and recast such an iconic character, so they ran from it like fire. It suffers for it. Yet, I can't imagine any scenario where it would've been any better to include him.  The movie is lacking heart honestly. I was looking for something to grab onto, something clever, something unique, yet... as a whole, the movie doesn't have anything like that really.

  It standardizes a formula which became a trope and eventually a cliche. It does it's best to make a dark and serious movie, and it succeeds, but... it's not Evil Dead. Not like any fan would know it. The best thing about this movie is undoubtedly Jane Levy, who plays Mia. Mia is a drug addict who's been brought to an isolated cabin in the woods to go cold turkey and break her drug addiction for good. Obviously shit goes south, and Mia gets possessed by dark forces that've been lurking in the cabin for a long time. Levy gives the part her all, she plays Mia with gusto and manages to be the shining star of the movie. She's fun to watch, and practically makes it all worth it. The other characters however, range from passable to the precise useful function of a plank of wood. Don't overestimate how much a plank of wood is worth in a movie like the Evil Dead. Seriously.

  So, all the gripes aside, I circle back to the "basics". The gore and blood and icky stuff, is very well done. I commend the special effects team. This was gruesome as hell. (Which was the point, no?) I think they could've gone further personally and played up the psychological horror instead of just the physical, but alas. Next, I think the cinematography is gorgeous. Sets look creepy as all can be, smog and such are used to great effectiveness, and in it's best moments Evil Dead can be pretty entertaining. Some scenes are actually properly unnerving. (I'm looking at you, fucked up tree rape scene.) Yet scenes with such strength are far and few inbetween. The crew would be better off knowing that blood itself isn't scary anymore though. I did like alot of this movie simply because what it does, by taking a genre cliche, making it like a serious flick, and unloading buckets of gore on it, it does well. As something that bears the name Evil Dead, it fails. Yet, I reiterate, for a standard Hollywood-ized horror movie, this one is as slick, polished, and as well made as they come. In today's market of horror movies, this might seem original and unique to some... but only because it's competition is abysmally lame.

  The last highlight of this movie was indeed the end sequence, which was admittedly epic. I won't say more, but I will say that I would see the movie again. I don't think it was anywhere near as good as it could've been, and it was half as fun as it should've been, but there was enough in it that I did like to warrant another viewing sometime down the road. Having said that, it still qualifies as a big disappointment. Not to say it's a bad movie, it's very well made. Yet, not even the incantations from the Necronomicon could bring this sucker back to life.