Sunday, September 2, 2012

Hard Ticket To Hawaii


  I'm easy to please when it comes to B-grade, low rent movies with lots of tits and ass and lots of big guns, gore, and explosions. None of those things are frequented much in high class cinema. So to get your old arcade style kicks, you look to old genres of direct to video, exploitation and limited release shlock.  But every so often, not even gratuitous nudity every five minute can save a bad movie from being... actually bad.

  First of all, the poster caught my eye. Two blonde babes, nice looking bodies, stylish 80's shades and big guns. Okay. I'm sold.  An hour and twenty minutes of naked chicks and stupid jokes, and ten minutes of shootouts and action. It really should've been the other way around. The worst kind of B grade low-rent shlocky is the kind that tries to be funny. They never realize how stupid they sound. I mean, with bad writers and even worse actors, they sound funny when they try to play it straight, it double backs on itself when they TRY to be funny and its just... not. Worse, its boring and painful.

  No movie should be able to make seeing sexy blondes with rocket launchers boring. Let alone when they've clocked more screentime topless than not. The male leads are hardly in it, which isn't too much of a bad thing cause they get laid more than kill things, and they look dorky doing everything and anything. Theres a random and ENTIRELY pointless subplot about a "contaminated" boa constrictor that got loose, in a movie about drug dealers in hawaii.... Also, people die, get shot, even a honeymooning couple get eaten by said snake... and the leads seem to not care moments later. In fact they tell nobody about the couple. This movie wasn't fun. It was just so bad... that it was bad.  There are two scenes which are awesome, but hardly worth sitting through the movie for.

I really suggest you look up "Hard Ticket To Hawaii Skater Death" and "Hard Ticket to Hawaii frisbee" on youtube.

  If the movie was full of stuff like this... I'd fucking love it.
Unfortunately it's not. It's chock full of bed hopping. At some point you have to stop and wonder, goddamn man... were you making a softcore porno/soap opera or making an ACTION MOVIE?
It gets old. I don't care how nice that girl's ass is, or how gold standard some might consider her other assets, but for me, I wanted way more action and ALOT less jokes.  Even playing around IN the action scenes. It just got dumb. And considering these movies are already baseline dumb, calling one dumb is an insult to dumb movies. It's beyond retarded. Yet it's full of all the things that make an excellent midnight movie. If I had a bunch of beer and some friends, it might've been a WHOLE different experience.

  As it is, I cannot in good conscience recommend it when there are so many BETTER B-movies that pander directly to the basic need for tits, guns and gore. Waste not your time on this.

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