Jack Reacher

  It's not like I cared much to see this anyways. It didn't jump out at me, not from the trailers, not from the lukewarm reception or anything. But someone rented it, and I sat down with them and watched it. It's better than I expected actually. Due in no small part... to the story. Which isn't saying much since, (spoilers) the bad guys are just real estate moguls. Yeah.

  The best part about this movie is the mystery. Five innocent people get shot by a sniper in public, and the movie does a great job of selling this to us and getting us invested in finding out the why and the who of it.
A suspect is caught early on, but one thing leads to another and the movie's title character gets involved. Make no mistake people, this is a murder mystery movie. It's not a slam bang action flick. It personally disappointed everyone I watched it with. While it didn't necessarily disappoint me, I wasn't impressed either. I've come to expect more from Tom Cruise. The entire movie sells him as this force of natural badassery to be reckoned with... but aside from a few Bourne-esque fights, Reacher himself isn't anything new.

  Of course all this isn't to say that Cruise can't play a total badass, he sells it just as well as ever. It's the story itself that is at odds with him and his character. He belongs in a Die Hard sort of movie, free to kick ass from start to finish. Yet, instead of being unleashed onto the bad guys, he's trapped up in legal bullshit and lawyer stuffs. While that may not sound like a very educated complaint, I wasn't expected a very educated movie. It's story is good, and kept me interested til the end. Yet I should point out that in one instance Rosamund Pike's cleavage steals the scene. A very important and pivotal scene no less. It speaks volumes about the movie that the plot itself is so easily upstaged by a low neckline and some well defined cleavage.

  Eventually I suppose, it's easy to get caught up in the goings-on of Jack Reacher. Twists and turns come by the minute in the latter half. I'll admit, it did get rather tense and suspenseful. However you never feeling like you're watching a great movie, just somewhat good. Passable really. Just passable. I can't say I'd like to see it again, and I'm usually a fan of Tom Cruise movies. Yet there's not much to love here. It's painfully standard. It's not the worst way to kill an hour and a half, but with all the better movies out there... it's practically a crime to invest time in Jack Reacher. You'll realize it's nothing special. I didn't regret seeing it, and it was alright, it certainly isn't outright bad. It falls into that sort of purgatory that movies fall into when they're not good enough to recommend and not bad enough to hate. So, it's up to you I suppose. Cruise fans might like him here. I suggest re-watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Much better Tom Cruise vehicle.

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

  After the disappointing mess of The Final Frontier, there needed to be one last really good adventure for the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise. They needed a final hurrah. One last get together to go out with a bang. Fortunately, they brought back Nicholas Meyer (director of The Wrath of Khan) to deliver just that. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, is one of the better movies of the original six. With the right amount of wit, gusto, and adventure to be a great fun time. To boot, there's a fantastic story that impacts Star Trek canon most prominently and permanently

  The movie's plot and story are far superior to probably... all the others. The Final Frontier was a bust, The Voyage Home was simplistic (yet enjoyable, just saying), The Search for Spock was not just simple, but rather a sort of strategy to bring back Spock. Little else. The Wrath of Khan was a simple revenge story, and The Motion Picture was honestly... threadbare. In The Undiscovered Country, Captain Kirk and crew are "volunteered" to escort a Klingon chancellor and his entourage to peace talks in the hopes of avoiding an all out war between the two galactic powers. With the Klingon homeworld on the verge of being uninhabitable, peace is necessary to aquire federation assistance, however... the chancellor is assassinated, and Kirk and crew are framed for it. Out to expose the true culprits, save the peace, and avoid a galactic war, we find our much beloved characters once again in a race against time to save the day.

  It's good to see them in a fantastic set up like this. It's not only a fitting end, but a triumphant return. The Undiscovered Country is a well written adventure, with sharp dialog, some truly thrilling set pieces, and some decent plot twists, there's much to love. Much also hangs in the balance. Watching Kirk's struggle with having to aid the Klingons, long time adversaries of the Federation, progress and develop is as one would say "fascinating". The movie speaks volumes about setting aside the past, along with preconceptions of a person or race, and making room for equality and peace. It's very deftly handled and never comes off as heavy handed or pretentious. Even though this one was well received, you never hear about it in the same breath as say The Wrath of Khan, and to be honest... it's perhaps just as good. Admittedly not as iconic, but not a second rate outing either. This is top tier material folks.

  Some scenes are exceptionally engaging, such as the assassination of the Klingon chancellor and crew. The whole scene takes place in zero gravity, and with a harsh red lighting palate. It's visually stunning. Globs of pink Klingon blood float about as the assassins phaser their way through the ship, making for a striking and almost surreal scene. Next is the fantastic ship-to-ship battles here. They haven't been this good looking and thrilling since Wrath, which stands as the pinnacle of the series, action-wise. The movie takes it's time, getting to the explosions and shootouts, which is wise. Because it has much more of a climatic impact when all the blasting and exploding gets underway. It's exciting. The climatic space battle at the end is wonderful. Things blow up real well and it caps off a very intense and engaging adventure.

  I have no serious gripes with Star Trek VI. I'm glad this one was good. I'm glad the humor flowed naturally, and I'm glad the crew once again had their trademark chemistry polished up and shining proudly. These characters are such a joy to watch, regardless. Though it's best when they're in a grade A movie like this one. With a poetic sense of drama and melodrama, characters in The Undiscovered Country are disposed to quoting ancient historical figures and texts to punctuate the mood. As a whole generation comes to a close, it's aging warriors duke it out amongst the stars, armed with as many destructive quotes as possible.

"To be... or not to be?
     
       To be."

Classic words in any context, yet downright chilling in this movie. Props to everyone involved. VI is quite the all-star adventure, and one I look forward to revisiting sometime. Perhaps now, the crew can rest easy now, and take a deep breath. Watching the Enterprise sail off into the distance has never felt so satisfying or resolute. Great movie, and a great Star Trek movie as well. Easily one of the best. I've made my way through all six original movies in the Blu Ray box set. It's been a true blast, and I can definitely recommend the franchise as a whole. Top shelf entertainment for ages. I'll take a break to write up some other reviews then pick up with the second Star Trek movie box set. I'm always ready to boldly go... again.

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

  I can say for certain this is the weakest link of the original movies. Though nowhere near as bad as people say it is, at least The Final Frontier reaches out for something. All but The Motion Picture itself were inert films. Not to say they were bad, but there was no sense of exploration, no wonder of the unknown. They were contained and borderline claustrophobic in scope. Yet, it's truly sad that when Star Trek finally reaches out to the unknown... with big philosophical questions... it stumbles so badly.  I think lots blame this on director and star William Shatner, and I can see why, yet I believe it is not entirely his fault. The budget seems obviously reduced, and it doesn't feel like anyone had a good bead on the story to begin with. Thus, Paramount offers up this rushed and haphazard adventure into the far reaches of space, where for once... the crew actually goes... where no man has gone before.

  It's not a terrible movie. It starts off very well. It captured my attention immediately, it had a great opening. Even the crew's shore leave scenes weren't awful. Kirk climbing a mountain and so on. Yet, despite how promising the first parts are, you get a sense that something is off. The humor is where I lay my blame. Some of it seems shoehorned in. Some scenes are outright laughably bad. This is not a comedy. The Voyage Home pulled it off because it's story, setting, and dynamic all were able to embrace a comedic tone. Even then it was more tongue in cheek than anything. The humor seems jammed in every five minutes or so, and it's pretty unnatural when it is. Not to say the casts chemistry isn't here, it just seems tampered with.  Sulu and Chekov are largely wasted, not to say they ever got the lions share of the best lines or scenes, but they seriously feel short changed here. A relationship is inferred between Uhura and Scotty, which feels weird... and uncomfortable. The list goes on...

  The plot itself is easily summed up, but hard to follow. A mysterious Vulcan named Sybok, on a planet where apparently, no starships have been to in ages, rallies together some desert soldiers to help him take some dignitaries hostage so that spaceships will come to rescue them. Upon which they will hijack a starship so they can fly it to the middle of the galaxy and find god. Well... I take back what I said about easy. The back of the DVD case made it look easy. Alas, this makes no sense. Why does he need these soldiers? Why not just commander a ship? Or buy one? It's never explained why he mind controls people, or how exactly. Sulu and Uhura fall prey to it so easily, yet Bones and Spock are able to resist? Sybok is a weak character, who's made out to be (spoilers?) Spock's half brother. Which... was lazy writing. Nothing comes of this to be honest, and nothing comes from him even being Vulcan. His plan makes zero sense, and he acts like a prophet to the stars. Oh I don't understand this shit. It makes no sense once you look at it too hard.

  You'd be surprised how hard "too hard" really is. Here's a tip: not hard at all. If you just go along for the ride, I suppose it's okay. Bad guy hijacks a starship to take it to a mysterious planet where supposedly a god resides. The part with that planet isn't awful actually. It's one of the highlights of the movie. It'd be even better if the effects weren't so horrible and cheesy looking. The movie has a sense of gravitas. Yet one that's undercut by the hundreds of plot holes, and the odd slapstick humor. I don't it... I just don't.

  "I know this ship better than the back of my hand!" Proclaims Scotty, right before he walks into a bulkhead and knocks himself out cold. This is one of the movie's cringe worthy moments, yet on the flipside, there are some great moments too. Kirk's rescue from "God" at the end. How that ties into a scene much earlier on. There are little things in here that are fantastic. Little bits of dialog, little scenes. Great stuff. Unfortunately they're laid out amongst a mess of lazy writing, plot holes, horrible humor, and a story that zig zags so much, it succeeds only in confusing you. Or boring you. Yet I can't bring myself to absolutely trash it. There are glimpses of greatness, of serious potential. There was an inspired concept under all this, and some scenes really show that.  Unfortunately, strong ambitious concepts can't carry a movie by themself, nor can the odd chemistry of the crew this time around.

  The cast seems tired, with phoned in performances, the only moments where they truly shine is when the story isn't wrestling their dialog away from them and using it as an exposition device or as a slapstick tool.  At it's best, The Final Frontier feels like a bunch of old war buddies getting back together for one last kick, unfortunately, we caught them all on a bad day. Maybe next time guys. This wasn't your best. I will say though, it's not my least favorite Trek movie ever. However, we'll get to that later on. Much later on. There's about four more movies between this one, and that one.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

  After the semi-cliffhanger of The Search For Spock, there was enough gold left to mine in the Star Trek name to get people in the seats. Paramount rallied the cast and crew of the previous outing to once again, boldly go where no man has gone before... In this case? 1983. That's right. This is a time travel movie. Obviously saving them lots of money setting 90% of the movie in the then-present, the special effects that are on display, look nigh impeccable, leaving plenty of canvas for the intrepid crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise to do their thing. They still do it so well too, the movie rests on the shoulders of their chemistry and dynamic, as usual, but even moreso this time. There are no flashy space battles or snarling villains swearing vengeance upon them. This time? There a probe... and some whales. Humpback whales.

  That's right folks. This movie could have easily been called Star Trek IV: Save the Whales and it wouldn't have made a lick of difference. An alien probe travels across the galaxy to Earth to find out why it no longer hears whale-song. The problem? The energy it's emitting, or whatever, is disabling every electronic thing in it's path. Which is wreaking havoc on starships and entire planets. People are dying in space, all because of this douchebag probe and it's hard-on for whales. Regardless, Kirk and crew in their hijacked Klingon vessel, the H.M.S. Bounty, on their return voyage home to "face the music", as it were, for breaking every rule in the book, and stealing the Enterprise to rescue Spock... discover this probe as it lingers above Earth. The probe is now going even farther, and evaporating all water in the oceans on Earth to find those damn whales.
Problem? Mankind hunted them to extinction in the 21st century.

  Solution? Kirk obviously surmises they must time-warp to the past and... of course, bring two whales with them into the future. Obviously. If that sounds ludicrous to you, don't worry, you're not alone. Even the movie's own characters think its nuts. "Well, that's crazy!" proclaims Doctor McCoy. Of course, when asked if he has a better idea... he doesn't. Neither do we in the face of such an absurd problem. So with time running out, they time warp to the past in search of humpback whales. I won't give away anything else about the plot, but just enough so you know what kind of movie it is. It's a far cry from the dark and growling fare of the past two entries. It's for all intents and purposes... a comedy. A sci-fi comedy. It's lighthearted and fun, but it's biggest strength is the humor. It's actually laugh out loud funny. Of course it helps if you're well versed in Star Trek, but it's a fish out of water story that actually works.

  The problem with The Voyage Home is that it's not much of a Star Trek movie. It's one half comedy, and one half environmental message. It's so blatantly 'save the whales' that it's heavy handed. The entire plot is a 'save the whales' message. It feels beyond preachy, it feels almost silly. Star Trek has always infused some humorous camaraderie into it's outings, but an all out comedy feels natural on one hand, yet awkward on the other.  The upside to this is, it doesn't try to mask it's environmental attitude, in fact it embraces it, which is smart. At it's worst, it's preachy, and I'm thankful it never gets pretentious. Other than that, it's full of little flaws and shit that doesn't make sense at all. For example, in one scene Scotty uses a Macintosh Plus, to compute an equation to create "transparent aluminium"... in about five seconds. Please. Gimme a break.
Not to mention, with the idea of hiding their spaceship in mind... Kirk and co. land it in the middle of central park. Cloaked sure, but you'd think someone would bump into the HUGE friggin spaceship. Yet aside from a single main character, and a duo of late night sanitation workers... nobody does. I'm sure there's a deleted scene somewhere of Mr.Spock point out the illogical nature of it. Tsk.

  If you can take the peripheral bullshit in stride, this is a very very fun movie. It's hollow as all can be really, not saying anything about friendship, or revenge, or mortality, or getting old... just... 'save the whales'. In that respect... it feels like a let down. This movie doesn't have a moving message, or an emotional focal point to it. It's a sci-fi comedy at face value. If you find it fun seeing the crew's banter, wit, and humorous moments, I have no doubt at all that you'll thoroughly enjoy this movie. That's it main strength. This little adventure is undoubtedly fun, but it's very simple, and very two dimensional. If you're okay with that, accepting it on it's own terms, it's even good. It's an enjoyable reunion of much loved characters who are once again tasked with saving the world.

  "We're going to need to transport some Humpbacks, Mr.Scott."

  "Humpbacked... people, Sir?"

  That's the tone and beat of the movie in a nutshell. If that made you laugh, then the movie has more in store for you. I personally find myself readily enjoying this one over and over. It's watchability is incredible.
Yet it's far from the top tier of Trek adventures. Just one of the most fun, if you meet it on it's own terms.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock

  After the controversial ending of Star Trek II, and it's immense financial success a sequel was inevitable, but one without Mister Spock? Blasphemy. Obviously, Paramount pulled out all the stops to get Leonard Nimoy to revisit the famous character, including an offer to direct. Nimoy accepted the terms and got back on board to direct which is basically... an excuse to revive Spock. Yet it also manages to somehow be one of the better Star Trek movies. The whole odd numbered curse (google it) is pretty much bullshit. This and the reboot prove that. While The Search for Spock is probably one of the most blatant examples of fan service ever, that doesn't stop it from being more than fun, but outright moving. It's basically about a group of friends rushing across the galaxy fighting off vicious adversaries, and braving a planet about to explode... just to save the life of a friend. Damn good popcorn entertainment in my book.

  It's better to invest creative energy and production values into a resurrection like this than just retconning the amazing Wrath of Khan and having him show up in a sequel with no explanation. Spock is a Star Trek mainstay. He's undoubtedly the most famous character, and the face of Trek as a whole. He had to come back. Nimoy eventually embraced this, returning to helm this entry into the franchise. It's directed with gusto and flair, due in no small part to returning cast. Their energetic chemistry, banter, and wit carry the movie over it's shortcomings, and land it firmly in the 'fun' section. It's impossible not to love these characters in anything they do. Just to see them return is enough to get me to sign up, and then to watch them brave impossible odds to save Spock? Classic.

  Because of it's inherent cop-out nature, many dismiss Star Trek III as a lame and silly entry, and I wonder if any of them have seen it. The movie dives deep into the meaning of friendship, albeit in a schmaltzy and happy go lucky way, but it does. Once the crew gets to the planet where Spock's body resides, things take a dark twist as the Klingons show up. With insane on screen gravitas, Christopher Lloyd plays the Klingon commander. He does so with incredible energy and manages to establish a brutal and evil villain for this movie. He's undeniably memorable and irresistibly fun. Not to mention, with the inclusion of some serious antagonists, the story unfolds in a way that effects Star Trek canon forever.

  The low points of the movie are pretty apparent. Nimoy's direction, while lively and competent is somewhat lacking. Or, rather lazy I should say. In one scene, Kirk is reviewing footage from an event that happened in the previous movie, and the exact footage from the movie is shown. Impossible camera angles and all. Dramatic close-up's and everything. It's silly and sticks out like a sore thumb. And while it's harder to blame Nimoy specifically for this one, at one point, we find ourselves in a future bar that looks like a carbon copy of the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars. It's impossible to think about anything else during that scene and it felt rather more like a knock-off than anything. Yet, these are the movie's shortcomings, little things like this. On the whole it's a rather solid entry.

  The Search for Spock is not a bad movie. It is a wholly solid and good movie. Also, with how it affects Star Trek canon, and finds a serviceable way to bring back one of the most beloved fictional characters of all time without feeling like a total rip-off... I'd say it's more than adequate, it's essential. It's also a load of fun. While best viewed as a companion piece to Wrath, there's nothing stopping anyone from enjoying it on it's own merits. It's one of the better Star Trek movies, and needs to get the appreciation it deserves. It's the second shining part of a big sprawling adventure that is undoubtedly the timeless and undisputed highlight of a much beloved and endlessly entertaining franchise.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

  With the financial success of Star Trek: The Motion Picture, Paramount was ready to once to boldly go where Star Trek had only been once before: the silver screen. I can't imagine expectations were sky high after the quite divisive previous movie, yet Trekkers everywhere were in for a treat with this one.  As a sequel, The Wrath of Khan is nothing like it's predecessor. It's much more of an action-adventure movie. Yet, one that deals with age, and mortality. Like any good Trek picture should, in the midst of all it's swashbuckling adventure, it grasps high concept ideas. Perhaps the existence of gods, or the meaning of life were out of it's reach this time... but the movie doesn't fall short of being a smart and emotional thrill ride.

  Straight from the annals of the original series, a notorious villain returns to torment the crew of the Enterprise and settle a personal score of revenge with the now-Admiral James T. Kirk. This villain of course is the eponymous and much loved Khan Noonien Singh. Before this movie, he was just a villain of a random episode of Star Trek. It wasn't the most fantastic episode, and is really only supremely memorable because of Montalban's performance and because it led to this movie. Otherwise it's average Trek fare. Yet... here we are. Khan has become probably THE most memorable Trek villain ever. People who don't even like Star Trek can appreciate this one movie. Khan's gravitas as a villain and as an opponent to Kirk is mind-blowing and devastatingly effective.

  The movie is really about him and his super soldiers hijacking the U.S.S. Reliant, and squaring off against Kirk and the Enterprise. In the midst of all this is something called the Genesis missile. If detonated on a moon or barren planet, it has the capacity to turn said lifeless rock into a lush thriving planet with rain forests, oceans and entire ecosystems. If used on an already inhabited world however... the effects would be apocalyptic. So between this revenge play between Kirk and Khan, the Genesis missile is Khan's endgame. He wants it and it's power, the power to simultaneously create and destroy. So alot more hangs in the balance than the fate of both crews. Khan is power mad enough to use the missile on a populated world and remake the aftermath as he sees fit. It's a neat way to raise the stakes and certainly invokes a sense of danger and importance.

  This movie is probably one of the most accessible to new audiences, unfamiliar to Star Trek. It has an ideal blend of humor, wit, and adventure to satisfy any movie goer. Also, Wrath is darker. One of the darkest Trek movies. People die by the handfuls, Khan is ruthless and insane. The movie pulls off a fantastic balance of lightheartedness and adventure, with lots of grim material. The movie still holds up well today with only the simplest of effects looking dated or unconvincing. For extremely well versed trekkies, there is a glaring continuity error in this movie. Concerning the fact that Chekov was not in the first season of Star Trek on TV. Thus his character would never have met Khan, who's debut was in the season one episode, Space Seed, yet Khan claims to "...never forget a face."

  Regardless, this little issue aside, the story and the movie itself is surprisingly great. Maybe not the paragon of perfect sci-fi lots of fans claim it to be, it's a simple action movie. One that excels at what it does, but it was to it's era, what Into Darkness is to ours. Granted, Into Darkness has far more plot holes and has the sad disadvantage of being unoriginal, yet still. In concept, and in tone, the movies are very similar. They both aim to excite. They both do so with ship-to-ship phaser fights, fist fights, shootouts, explosions, and melodramatic actors shouting and growling their lines at each other with promises of revenge and lots of death. The difference is that The Wrath of Khan does so in a smart and theatrical manner. A lot of thought and care obviously went into this one. From the story, to the execution, The Wrath of Khan is a shining example of Star Trek at it's most exciting.

  The problem with this one is that, it's hardly an ideal Star Trek movie. It's possibly the best, but not an ideal one. The wealth of the movie is the back and forth battle between Khan and Kirk. Phaser fights and old vendettas are not what makes Star Trek... Star Trek. By itself, and on it's own merits, this is a great movie. Simply awesome. It's a classic space-faring adventure with plenty of well made and thoroughly exciting set pieces. The cast and the characters have a chemistry and a dynamic that has been fostered to perfection over decades. These guys work so well together, they're simply an irresistible joy to watch. They dash around the movie with gusto and heart, from exploding starship bridges to majestic underground caverns. Space adventure movies are rarely this well made or this exciting. Rivaling only that of the original Star Wars, The Wrath of Khan is timelessly fun.

  Yet... there is a lack of awe. Except when the results of the Genesis missile are revealed to us. There is no real exploration, no... boldly going anywhere. The Trek mandate is to seek out new life and new civilizations - to boldly go where no man has gone before. This is quoted at the end of almost every movie and in the opening of the original show. Yet, Wrath feels slightly stagnate in this regard. Most of the movie takes place in a very singular vicinity. Thus, the movie feels rather claustrophobic in scope. Yet this complain can only be leveled at the movie in comparison to the other movies, and the show. On it's own, it's a damn fun movie with amazing watchability. I recommend it wholeheartedly.

Star Trek: The Motion Picture

  I do consider myself a Trekker. Though since I have no problem being called a Trekkie, nor have I ever been to a convention I have a feeling some would argue with me. Though, I've seen and own every Star Trek movie thus far (This year's Into Darkness being the obvious exclusion for the time being.) and I've seen most all of the shows. Several of them in their entirety... several times. So I can safely say I am as well versed in Trek as one can be. So I do believe I am thoroughly qualified to review this from both a Trekker standpoint, and from that of a casual moviegoer.

  This movie is undoubtedly an oddity of historic proportions. It's truer to the spirit of what Star Trek is and stands for, yet it's the furthest possible thing from the established formula of what came before it. Namely, the original TV show. Which, upon recent review is not entirely the two-fisted, psychedelic, retro romp that so many remember. Episodes were most often focused more on the story and less on the phaser fights. Conflict was sparingly resolved with a punch and roll, and more often settled using diplomacy and negotiation tactics.
Kirk and crew sought to out-think adversaries and make peace whenever possible. It was not a constant fist fight like some people think.

  I feel it was important to point that out and make it clear. Star Trek was always an adventure show, but not always an action show. It's spirit was always about exploration and peace; discovery and the unknown. Yet, what makes The Motion Picture such an oddity is that it strips the formula of adventure/exploration down to such fundamental elements, that it feels much different than anyone could've possibly expected. In short? It's slow. Very slow, almost painfully slow. The opening few minutes are thrilling, but for the next hour, the movie takes it's sweet time showing off it's sets, the new Enterprise, and rallying up the crew.

  For anyone not slavishly devoted to Star Trek, this could be grating beyond belief. It's obviously been constructed with such a grand fondness for the characters and the world of the original series, but seems to have turned a blind eye to it's formula. While the show wasn't always about the fights and shoot outs, it was always a quick paced and intense drama-play. Whereas The Motion Picture plods along at such a tediously slow pace, the sense of adventure is sapped from the proceedings. It maintains no suspense for the first hour, feeling more like a family reunion and less like the high-concept sci-fi drama it wants so badly to prove it is.

  However, it does get underway. Mostly. Even after all the pleasantries are done with, and the Enterprise warps into action, it's a slow and tedious task at best. Even the most basic of dramatic moments, like getting caught in a worm hole, or fixing the warp engines, are slow and glacially paced moments. Yet... there's something captivating under all of it. If you can surrender your attention and time to the story and the characters, and get yourself invested, you'll find that there is an amazing movie under all this.  This movie succeeds in landing the high concept science fiction themes it grasps at. Which would feel more at home in an Andrei Tarkovsky (Solaris, Stalker) movie, or as a kissing cousin to 2001: A Space Odyssey.

  The movie marries these concepts with some of the most elaborate and breathtaking images of space things imaginable. Things so fundamentally alien, one can't help but feel the gargantuan sense of irony by the time the twist is revealed. There is no clear cut protagonist in this G-rated outing. There is a threat though, but one obviously not able to be combated with phasers and the like. It must be studied and examined, and stopped if possible. A mind-blowingly massive sentient space-cloud with devastating destructive abilities makes it's way towards Earth. Kirk and crew must stop it.

  Once we get to the cloud, the visuals alone should carry your attention. Though they take up nearly half an hour of screen time. This can easily be seen as inane overkill. As the Enterprise is drawn into the space cloud, 15 minutes, give or take of nothing but alien visuals, and shots of the crew's reaction. If you're invested by this point, you'll feel the growing sense of awe and danger. If not? This is about as entertaining as watching paint dry. The pacing is about the same. I feel like it's impossible to favorable to this movie without tearing it apart as well. The problem with it is that it is a Star Trek movie. Thus there are established expectations for what it should be like. A slow paced, high-concept, sci-drama was not something Trek fans expected. Much less wanted.

  If this were it's own beast, free of Star Trek, it may have gotten more respect and notice. Or it may have been dwarfed into obscurity by the hulking shadow of 2001. A movie which is frequently referred to when discussing The Motion Picture.  Thus it falls into a strange place. It's notable because it's a Star Trek movie, the first Trek movie, it revolutionized Star Trek- yet it feels like a far cry from anything else one can be familiar with about Star Trek. It's more akin to an art-house sci-fi flick than a big matinee space adventure. It's a stunning movie in it's own right, but it requires patience. Without patience and dedication, you'll be bored and yawning before the first hour.

  A thorough knowledge and appreciation for Star Trek is almost required to sit through the first hour, yet it's that same familiarity which can alienate you to the whole of the movie itself. The last act however, inside the alien space-cloud is a virtuoso piece of science fiction. It evokes a grand and sweeping sense of awe if you're with it so far. The visuals can blow your mind, the mystery can draw you in, there is a payoff. There are fantastic scenes of raw science fiction, and the energy of it alone is great. The story and the visuals compliment each other perfectly, both invoking a cosmic sense of grandeur, but unfortunately, rarely one of excitement and adventure. "Fascinating" to coin a phrase, but sadly... rarely engaging. It's intriguing, and interesting, and artful. However, it is not an adventure in the conventional sense of the word. There is little actual excitement to be had since the movie works against itself so badly.

  All in all, if you, as a viewer can strike the right balance with watching this movie as part Trekker, part cinema lover... it's possible to even love this movie. Because there IS so much to love. It's simply lost within itself. Abandon all expectations at the door, make sure you're ready to surrender your patience, and try to enjoy this sprawling space drama. Spaceships and special effects have got to be something you like seeing on screen. Even when they're not blowing up. Star fields and space-clouds are this movie's bread and butter. There are no chases, no phaser fights, no fisticuffs, just raw... high-concept science fiction. With amazing visuals. If that sounds interesting to you, I encourage you to give it a look. This movie needs more fans. I count myself one of them.

Also, if at all possible, see it on a massive hi-definition TV on Blu-Ray. The crisp picture and fantastic sound go a long way towards making this slow journey, an impressive one.

Star Trek Into Darkness

  Star Trek Into Darkness is a fun movie. There's absolutely no denying that. It's a big summer blockbuster as loud and action packed as they come. If the 2009 reboot was reaching out to a new audience, this one is making sure they're still paying attention. How does it go about this? By flooding it's screen time with action scene after action scene. It's almost unbelievable that the movie is actually 132 minutes. That's over 2 hours folks. I know you know that, but I'm still shocked.  The movie doesn't feel over an hour and a half to be honest. That's because of the breakneck pacing. Now, some may say this is a good thing. I don't think it is. Granted, it's 132 minutes of well constructed action scenes, thrilling set pieces, and witty banter... but it's lacking something. Room to breath. From the opening gambit, to the non-stop roller coaster ride of the rest of the movie- Star Trek Into Darkness sacrifices suspense for action.

  There's so much action, that we feel carted around from one phaser fight to the next. There's a build-up, but even that is developed so quickly, that the build-up feels like it needs a build-up. I may be seeming vague, but... the plot develops like it's trying to catch up with the rest of the movie. Revelations and twists are discovered and revealed in between the moments when the protagonists are reloading so to speak. Every scene is nipping on the heels of the next like a rabid animal. The plot is racing to a finish line, and before we know it... the whole starship Enterprise is shot towards the planet Cronos like a bullet, ready to execute a war criminal by the name of John Harrison. This is a very tense set up. Not suspenseful, just tense. It seems unethical to everyone but Kirk, who's hellbent on revenge. Of course, all these conversations about morals and ethics, are had as people jog down corridors and pile into shuttlecrafts. Nobody ever takes a moment to catch their breath and let the music settle as well. The movie zips along at maximum warp. Your problem if you can't keep up. Characters are revealed and then shoved to the sidelines just as fast and I'm left wondering if I blinked and missed something somewhere...

  It's easy to sound overly harsh on the movie. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. Maybe there's no room in J.J. Abrams' Trek reboot universe for old dogs like me. (Even though I'm actually quite young, this movie makes me feel ancient as someone who's been acquainted with all things Trek from the time I was able to speak.) That should be a problem though. It feels like a problem. Star Trek was never about phaser fights and such- even a recent revisit of the Original Series cast that stigma aside.  The movies always spent more time developing their stories, themes, and plots, and then penciled in action scenes where necessary. Into Darkness however seems to revolve entirely around it's action scenes.

  The movie's story is kinda bad. In fact, as a riff on The Wrath of Khan, trying to hit the same beats as the 1982 classic, it does nothing original. There's nothing entirely wrong with a breakneck pace, it just doesn't seem to fit Star Trek quite right. I had a blast watching Kirk and Spock punch their way through each little skirmish and each epic dogfight. The action scenes are crafted with style and filmed with flair. There are chase scenes, fist fights, shootouts, crashes, and just about every other kind of set piece a sci-fi action movie could possibly have. Make no mistake, while my critic brain is taking notes about everything that sorta bothered me, I was deeply conflicted, trying to convince myself I was still having a good time.

  Not enough sci-fi action movies are anywhere near this fun anymore, but at what cost does Into Darkness entertain? The movie can't go five minutes without insulting your intelligence, to say nothing of how it treats long time Trek fans. This isn't Science Fiction anymore, it's Science Nonsense. The Star Wars formula has been carelessly applied to the Trek franchise and it doesn't fit goddammit. This is NOT how Star Trek is supposed to be. Sure, seeing these characters return to their roles is wonderful, and having brushed up on The Original Series the very night before, I can say with absolute energetic enthusiasm- these actors, playing classic roles, they got it.

   They really nailed it. Without seeming like carbon copies, from the 2009 reboot to this one, I have utter and complete confidence in these actors to continue playing these characters. In fact, I'd love to see more with them. So bring on a third, and a fourth. I'm down.

  There's a scene towards the end, in the middle of the climax that any self-respecting Trek fan will see coming from miles away. I saw it coming myself. However, I didn't expect how emotional it would be regardless. I can't say they put a great deal of thought into it, in retrospect, but the actors sell it so hard and the atmosphere at that point was just right... that it had me a little more misty eyed than I'd like to admit. But it's perfectly emblematic of why this movie doesn't work. It veers far off course from what you'd want a Trek movie to be, and never manages to emerge from the murky cloud of plot holes and haphazard writing it's generated for itself. The movie uses transporters like a magic wand, and there's all kinds of bullshit surrounding Kha- I mean... John Harrison... of course, and the movie is all the worse for wear in the end.

   This is arguably one of the worst Trek movies ever. It stoops to embarassing lows and fails to understand thing 1 about the franchise. Of course it's no surprise since J.J. Abrams himself actually admitted that he never liked Star Trek to begin with. This is the man Paramount surrendered it's franchise to. Wonderful. Because... you know... that's always worked out well before. Maybe stop handing the franchise off to people who don't even like it? Abrams didn't like how philosophical and introspective Trek was, so he did away with it. He turned it into a mindless action movies, with logic gaps so big, you could fly the Enterprise itself right through em. So come on. Let's get someone else for #3.

Thriller: A Cruel Picture

   Thriller: A Cruel Picture manages to be one of the most intense and undoubtedly, one of the best of it's own genre. It's about a mute girl who's kidnapped and hooked on heroin, forced to become a prostitute to feed her drug addiction. Well, it goes without saying that she obviously uses her day off, once a week, to become a full fledged badass.

  She learns karate, guerrilla fighting, how to shoot guns like a boss and how to drive like a getaway driver. So it stands to reason that the last half of the movie is nothing but her kicking ass. All the ass. She does too. It's violent, well paced and bloody as fuck. You can't beat this movie at it's own game. Pound for pound it's everything you could want from an exploitation flick. You can't fault it for the hardcore sex, extreme gore, and unbridled violence, that's exactly what it's here to deliver.

  The odd thing about this movie is that it could be more than just an exploitation flick. It could be a damn good flick in it's own right. There's a certain kind of weighty gravitas to the movie. It's not shoddily acted, alot of it has real artistic design. There's a beautifully staged fight towards the end that's simply gorgeous. It's more than just exploitation. It transcends it's own genre with glimpses of some intense and moving drama. However, it's always apparent that first and foremost this movie is indeed a grindhouse gem.

  Eyes are gouged with scalpels (apparently a real eye too, as the filmmakers used a cadaver for the scene, in order to lend utmost realism to the effect), the leading heroine is repeated forced into sex in explicit pornographic detail, and gunshots spray blood across the screen with a vengeance. Which actually brings me to my big gripe with the movie, the explicit sex? It's clearly just porno cut into the movie. I remember reading that they had some actual reason for this, but I don't remember it being a good one, nor can I recall exactly what it was.

  Regardless, not only is it... kinda tasteless, but there's no point honestly. In a rape/revenge flick, I can understand, and while this is essentially a rape/revenge flick, it plays to a prostitution angle rather than a one time brutal event. We don't need to see this poor girl having sex with all these people- multiple times. I get showing it once, but even that... Graphic penetration? As far as I'm concerned, if you wanted to show that stuff, let it be in a context that isn't so awful. Cause it's unnecessary I think. Then again, maybe I'm missing the point here. If there even is one. The movie would've been just as gritty and graphic without the porno.

  Just saying. Though whenever there was one of those horribly uncomfortable sex scenes, this terrible siren-like sound would screech. I thought this was a very neat touch. It heightens the sheer tension, making it hard to watch, let alone listen to. It's a very effective way of getting across how completely nerve wracking it is for her, how unbearably awful it is. So there is that. I won't even mention how cars in this movie tend to spontaneously combust simply because they're in the vicinity of a chase.

  Being that it's a grindhouse flick, it does what it does really damn well. It has a hell of a third act that's intense and exciting, and the ending manages to be just as fantastic and fundamentally creative. I loved the last half of this movie. It's all payoff. The setup however uncomfortable it may be, is grindhouse bread and butter, as well as necessary to the story. No setup, no payoff. So you gotta take it for what it is. You might just like it. I know I did. It's an iconic piece of uber violent 70's exploitation cinema. Fuck yeah.

The Raid: Redemption

  While this is probably my fourth time seeing The Raid, I do believe it's only my second review. I don't do second reviews for many movies as my thoughts the first time around should prove the most faithful. However, with a movie like this, one can't help but become impressed and awed all over again. I think this warrants another write-up.

  Welsh director Gareth Evans wroth and directed this Pandora's box of blood soaked martial arts and I've yet to see any movie top it. It's not a pillar of great storytelling, although it is efficient, it may leave more than some viewers wanting more to the overall meat of the plot.  However The Raid refuses to let you think for one second that it's here to do anything except kick ass. All the ass. The pace is utterly relentless and the amount of brutality it throws at you is absolutely jaw-dropping.

  Star Iko Uwais navigates the horrific hallways of this run-down tenement building, dodging machete wielding maniacs and hoards of fierce thugs in order to escape from the living hell, and bring the bad guys to justice. Which really means just stabbing and cutting them open with a knife. Five at a time obviously. If any of this sounds like an insane horror movie, you're not far off. It's a claustrophobic experience, full of wall to wall gore. Martial arts savvy opponents face off with ferocious intensity, letting the bodycount skyrocket.

  It's a dizzying experience that simply doesn't let up. It's also a very basic movie. It has the bare necessities, but only just. It has a couple protagonists, stuck behind enemy lines, and hundreds of enemies for them to dispatch with consistently bloody results. From guns, to knives, axes, grenades, and raw, brutal, fighting- nobody is safe in this movie. You immediately know that it's a war zone for all intents and purposes, and about as bloody as any war movie you've ever seen.

  From the opening scenes to the final showdown, there's no doubt that The Raid is a great movie. It's great because it doesn't dilute itself. There's no ridiculous pauses for comedy, and it doesn't try to shoehorn forced exposition in there. It sticks to what it does best. Action. Everything is engineered to enhance the action scenes, the fantastic music score by Mike Shinoda, the camera movements (and no, not shaky cam. Thank god.) and even the setting. It's in your face, and raw in the most visceral ways possible.

  By the time the final shots roll around, they're electrifying. It's probably the first breath of relief you've taken the entire time. It's the first break in the tension and suspense. It plays out in slow motion as our protagonist continue down the paths they've laid out for themselves. It's such an amazing scene, and quite possibly my favorite in the movie. The music, the slow motion, all of it is perfect. It's a perfect bookend to an hour and a half of sheer merciless violence. You truly feel like you've been through a war with these characters, and they certainly look like it too.

  I can't stress enough how fitting and amazing this final shot is, but it's amazing because everything that came before it was too. It's an intense battlefield of a movie, erupting in a chaotic explosion of fists, knives, and gallons of blood that's ultimately second to none. See the movie if you haven't already. It's been on Blu Ray for a while and I strongly consider it a must own if any bit of this sounded exciting. The Raid is no joke. It delivers.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

  I hear people bitching about continuity errors in Retaliation, how sad it is that Duke dies in the first ten minutes. That's already widely known, so if you wanna whine about spoilers... there's the back button. Right there. They also whine about how most of the supporting cast from Rise of Cobra doesn't return, and how they're not mentioned. Yet most of these things, are things fans listed to change in a sequel. Screw everyone who's bitching about these things. Seriously. There's a overwhelming wave of new-found tolerance for Rise of Cobra, and it's nasty. Especially when this movie is vastly superior.

  The plot is pretty thin and it stretches itself thin as much as possible to cover alot of ground. So don't expect anything good, or intricate. Not in the slightest. Basically, if you don't mind your villains growing in a Darth Vaderish voice about world domination- you won't have an issue with this movie. Thankfully though, it's not actually stupid, and it doesn't outright insult your intelligence. Which is a big improvement over the 90 minute glorified toy commercial that is it's predecessor.

  In short, G.I.Joe: Retaliation does precisely what it means to. It delivers scene after scene of explosive over the top action sequences, witty humor, and neat-o gadgets. It's about as deep as a Saturday morning cartoon, but considering how good some of those can actually be- it's a strong compliment. However, at heart it's still just a silly cartoon. Good guys win, bad puns are made, the villains get theirs and/or escape to fight again in a sequel. What more could you want?

  The use of CGI in just about EVERY action scene is greatly reduced from the last outing. In fact, only a few instances is there lots of CGI onscreen here. What CGI is on display is very very well done. Kudos. However, the real star of the show is the action, and it is largely enjoyable (aside from some occasional shaky cam) and there's lots of cool little bits to take in. Lots of cool looking camera angles, and very decent choreography, as well as wonderful chemistry between cast members, and some very decent humor go a long way towards saving this from being a middle of the road actioner.

  The Rock is definitely a highlight as he lends his trademark physicality to the movie, being an ideal action figure for this rock em' sock em' outing. As well as blowing things up with machine guns so large nobody has ever held by hand before on film, he also dispenses verbal exposition as needed to check in with the ongoing plot and make sure the audience is up to par. It's as cut and dry as "This is what's happening now, and this is what we need to do." However, with his charisma, gravitas and intensity, The Rock has cemented his career on making dialog like that sound important and at the very least fun to listen to.

  The movie does make attempts at some welcome character development, and it fits. It doesn't hold up the pace like some people complain it does. The actors do a competent enough job to sell it pretty well too. However nobody will be thinking about these characters much beyond their function in a gun fight.  It's not too much of a complaint though seeing how fun it is to watch these characters interact with each other. The banter alone sometimes is gold, and other times it's just their attitude and a bit of brevity.

  Which brings me to something else this movie does really well. Chemistry. The movie has a self aware attitude about itself, which prevents it from being so silly it's pretentious. Instead of weighing us down, telling us how these characters are good friends or something like that, it simply treats us to seeing it. There's a real camaraderie here, even if it is between glorified action figures.

  I could go on about the flaws of the movies, including the odd (but thankfully brief) placement of Wu Tang member RZA; I could comment on how the total destruction of London looked, and how the bad guys make such a classic cartoonish mistake towards the end that I nearly facepalmed... but it's the kind of movie where ninjas use guns, The Rock quotes Jay-Z, and bad guys make speeches about world domination. Why would I stop to nit-pick? Either you're sold on it by now, or not.

Much ass is kicked, Snake Eyes is a cool looking badass, The Rock blows things up, and the token female. gets her moment in a tightly fitted red dress. At least the G.I.Joes aren't above exploiting their fellow female Joe's (Jane's?) sex appeal...

YO JOE!(?)

With implausibility abound, one either checks in for an hour and a half of ninjas, explosions, and shootouts, or he sits around being miserable the whole time. This is what you paid to see. Deal with it. This is what The Rise of Cobra should've been. Pound for pound. Some things are unfortunately summarily excised in the effort to distance itself from it's predecessor, but this is hardly a gripe considering how much better it is.

 It also seems to me, in closing, that this movie was made in the wrong era. Scaled back just a smidge and it'd make a kick ass double feature with say... First Blood Pt.II.

Did I mention Snake Eyes is a badass?

Cloud Atlas

  As a character proclaims in the movie at one point, "I will not be subjected to criminal abuse!", I wish the movie itself could say the same thing to the legions of haters it's garnered. It's fundamentally stunning how much hate this movie has gotten. I haven't bothered eyeing any critic's take on it beyond Roger Ebert, but around the web, people are saying this movie is crap. I secretly wonder to myself if that person is a 14 year old prepubescent boy who adores Michael Bay's Transformers movies. If that's the kind of audience that's hating this movie...  then we know this one must be good.

  Good, however is a hard term to slap onto this movie. It makes a fair share of blunders and such. It's overlong, the first half is sloppily edited, and again the first half struggles to keep you engaged. These are serious issues. For a three hour movie, to not hook you right away is a crime. Because, it'll lose you before it gets to it's selling point. Think of movies as a sales pitch, they have to grab your attention right away, then start telling you why you wanna buy what they're selling. If they don't grab your attention, it's akin to leaving you alone with their product in an empty room. You're waiting for it to be pitched to you. Lots of waiting.

  This is what Cloud Atlas does. It's a great product, but you're not hearing the pitch right away. Regardless, ditching the metaphor for now, there is something about the movie... from the beginning, despite how inert it is, that keeps you wanting to see more. You can't quite describe it either, it's like a subtle hint of greatness. Almost as if the movie is giving you a silent promise that something spectacular lies ahead. Just be patient. Still, being patient is asking alot when the movie feels very inert at first. Like, it doesn't know where it's going with itself.

  You have at least five parallel stories going on, and you cut back and forth between them like you're reading from five different books. A single page from book 1, then a single page from book 4, then a single page from book 2, 3, then 5, 2, 3, 4, 1... on and on. Meanwhile, someone is leaning over your shoulder, promising you they're all connected somehow. Sometimes these transitions are smooth and provides a glimpse at that aforementioned 'greatness', but other time they're just... jarring and unnatural. This can take an already un-sold audience, and alienate them.  So that's rough. Very rough.

  However, the movie seems to find it's footing after the first half or so. The first hour at the very least, so "half" isn't really fair. I think you get my point though. When it does find it's footing, you'd think you'd be privy to some revelatory stuff, still no unfortunately. However, you do see where the movie is taking you, and it looks to be quite promising. By this point, if you can invest your time and attention, I'm personally promising you it'll be worth it. The movie struggles through the first hour, but pulls itself together and finally captured my attention. I wanted to know the outcome of each one of those stories.

  The characters enlivened and the stories became engaging. You get emotionally invested at that point regardless of the tonal and pacing missteps the movie has made so far. You see master filmmaking unfolding, and more hints of greatness. What helps sell this movie past the first dragging hour is the actors. They're fantastic, not a weak link to be found. Weak roles maybe, but even those are performed with gusto, and when you have a single actor playing maybe 5 or 6 different roles they really need to sell the fact that these are indeed separate characters and not just a riff on the same one.

  It works. It works surprisingly well. As an informed movie-watcher, I'm eyeing all the different makeup jobs, and am stunned at how they've transformed a simple enough looking blue collar worker into a brutish looking homicidal thug. It's simply impressive, but only because the actors sell each character as an individual performance. The movie gets really neat when you can actually start picking up on the threads on precisely how these people and events are connected. Which is a MOST central and important theme.

  There is enough in Cloud Atlas to say there is something for everyone. Really. So many movies boast that, and don't deliver. But such is not the case here. There is adventure, romance, drama, comedy, and each story seems to be devoted to it's own brand of each and all of these things. And all this in varied settings from a sailing voyage on the high seas, to the high-tech Tokyo of the future, and a mysterious post apocalyptic world that's even closer than you might suspect. It's wonderful. Amazingly so.

  What's even more impressive is how emotional the outcome feels. It really hits you, which is stunning because you don't think it would. It doesn't seem like a strong enough movie to draw you in, in such a deep way. There's not much to hate about Cloud Atlas in the end, because it ends up being a damn good movie. An experience to behold. It ends up being quite the epic. Keeping an open mind and a clear schedule is key though. It's a long movie that can feel even longer, and sadly, not enough of this runtime feels necessary. It feels like excess that could be trimmed to provide a leaner and more direct movie. At least a good half hour (being generous) feels totally unjustifiable.

  However, this movie is the kind of grand far reaching film that I love to call a 'motion picture'. It's epic in a way that few movies even try to be. Thus, even though it stumbles a bit, I love it for what it is and what it was reaching for all along. Movies like this need to be embraced because we sorely need more like them. The uniqueness and creativity alone ensures a must see experience. But misleading expectations are alienating audiences and this is very sad to me.

  I love Cloud Atlas. From the gorgeous visuals, to the unconventional storytelling, even if it is painful at times, to the absolutely beautiful score, this movie is amazing. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and hardly "great", but amazing for sure. Damn good flick that flirts with greatness. For my money, this is better than any stale, dead on arrival, Hollywood tripe any day of the week.

This movie should NOT be subjected to criminal abuse.

The Baytown Outlaws

  Every so often, a movie comes along, out of the blue- one that you did not know about -and completely surprises you. The Baytown Outlaws, is one of those movies. I hadn't seen a poster, a trailer, nor a single shred of news about this little gem until this same day. (Well... technically yesterday, but I'm a night owl so, that's how it is.) I got my hands on it pronto and watched it straightaway, and boy am I glad I saw it.

  I'll pretty much flock to any bloodbath of a movie with grizzled good guys, vile bad guys, and loads of big guns between them.  And... that is what The Baytown Outlaws is. However, it is also more...
I'll say right now, this movie has heart. It was entirely unexpected, because it could've been perfectly enjoyable without any emotions to it too. Only because it's that type of movie. It could've been a soulless wrecking ball of southern catastrophe without a single thoughtful moment in sight, so long as it was fast, bloody, and not bullshitty (we'll get to "bullshitty" in a bit). However, what's wonderful about this flick, is that it decides to grow a heart halfway through.

  Which in some more unfortunate cases can ruin a movie. Not that heart itself can ruin a movie, but when a ballsy gritty action flick, turns on a dime and the mood and tone and everything shift dramatically... it can be more than jarring. It can alienate your audience.

  Fortunately, the tone shift in this movie was well worked up to and actually adds to the proceedings rather than jarringly alter or detract from them. The enjoyment factor of this flick is not hampered by the emotional turn it takes in the third act. Mind you, it's not like... tear jerking emotions, but it's more heart and story than a movie like this could be expected to have. It's so effective too, it's awesome.  Now, about how a movie like this can be bullshitty; it's like when... you have good action, but it's marred by shaky camera work. Or good action pared with a story so stupid it's beyond redemption. Or when the premise promises lots of action and shooting and you get... nearly none. (see: Max Payne)
That's "bullshitty", and this movie ain't it.

  Cutting to the chase, this little caper is about these three redneck, mercenary brothers hired by a lady to rescue her son from her evil drug dealer ex-husband. Firstly, that's a great setup. No matter who you are, or where you're from- that sounds like an ass-kicking good time. Secondly, the brothers have a fantastic on-screen dynamic and their chemistry is wonderful. Which is why I also have ease in comparing it to The Boondock Saints. Another hyper-violent vigilante movie with brothers as protagonists.  The differences are endless, but I'm reflecting mostly on the brothers' dynamic and chemistry. Both movies have it in spades. Say what you will about the Saints, but Sean Patrick Flannery and Norman Reedus were awesome together.

  Just like the dudes in this flick. Awesome. Awesome. I love watching them do their thing, with a franchise's worth of potential in-jokes and unique quirks, this trio of redneck badasses single-(or should I say triple?)-handedly made the movie for me. As badass and strapped to the teeth with guns as they are, there's also something endearing about them. They're certainly not the creepy kind of bayou recluses that only come out of hibernation to kill things and intimidate people. They're brothers, and they act like it. They have personalities, not thousand yard stares.

  All this and what seems like a -total- lack of cgi, and you've got a winner. The shootouts are intense and bloody, the movie is a big ball of bullet-riddled fun, and there's not too much to complain about. I'm outright shocked this hasn't gotten more attention. Or maybe it has and I'm the recluse. Who knows. Either way, I recommend it. Fully.

The Church

  Being a fan of completely weird movies with lots of atmosphere, The Church (a.k.a. La Chiesa) is one I'm surprised I haven't seen alot sooner. From the same minds that brought you Demons, comes this little slice of  strangeness. With a healthy dose of warped imagery and plenty of gore, you can tell right now if this is going to be up your alley or not. If it is, and you want further convincing, read on.

  Starting in the days of the Templars, with knights, and bad dudes on horseback, we see a horrible tragedy up close. A whole village of families slaughtered in a hunt for a single witch. These types of things generally spawn a bit of unrest... with some vengeful spirits and grudge curses. The perfect fodder for movies like this. Anyway, one day people decided they needed to build a church obviously. So they built a big cathedral right over the spot of that horrible atrocity...
Cause... you know... that makes sense. Well, it did to someone anyways. However, despite it's weighty premise and graphic brutality, it's not long before you realize the movie is just a show. It's all about smoke and mirrors so to speak. It doesn't attempt to live up to the stage it's set for itself with anything... I dunno, important? Thoughtful? Instead, it traps a bunch a people in the cathedral once the curse or whatever is unleashed and people start dying. One by one.

  If this sounds familiar... it's because it's the generic setup for any cookie cutter horror movie.  Fortunately The Church rises above mediocrity with fantastic effects and a properly nightmarish tone throughout that few movies achieve with such effectiveness. However, suffice it to say, if you're looking for anything intellectual here, the best you can do is read into the disturbing imagery. That's about it. Characters are creepy, they creep around, doing creepy things. Being generally...creepy. There's also a girl and her family who work at the cathedral. They're kinda weird too. Oh, and then there's a priest, a young(ish) black man, who practices archery in his spare time. You'd think that'd come into play when it becomes obvious that he's the hero. Despite being the one person with the least amount of screentime...

But, no. It never does. He gets a vision or something while practicing, but that's it. He (spoilers?) "saves" the day without utilizing any of his archery prowess. I call bullshit. If you're going to set us up for something amazing like that, and then not deliver? I'll take the karate-chopping priest from Dead Alive over this psuedo-Denzel Washington any day.

  In movies like this, because they're alot more shallow than they'd like you to believe, most of the effort goes into giving you a good show. Good special effects, lots of gore, some T&A, et cetera. It's because of this that I can't believe they passed up the chance to have the priest save the day with a bow and arrow. It would've made about as much sense as the rest of the damn movie.  Having said that, the rest of the damn movie, is actually worth the watch if you're into this kinda thing. The imagery and special effects lend themselves nicely to the unsettling and disturbing tone of the movie. It's all really really well done and as far as these types of shallow yet religious horror movies go... this is one of the best I've seen. They almost got the balance right. And I'll say right now, it's a damn sight better than The Keep.

  All in all, I loved it. It was unsettling, the special effects were great, the imagery was great. That is about all I expected from it. It's the kind of movie that would fuel those nightmares you get that also seem like great ideas for horror movies. In fact, if you think about that, this might've been one of those nightmare-inspired movies to begin with. It's simple enough, with a decent framework, yet vague and creepy enough that it feels like a bad dream. A good bad dream at that. If that makes any kind of sense. It's full of morbidly intriguing things and sights that draw people to movies like this. People wanna see this stuff up close, so long as they're on the other side of the screen, safe and sound. Few movies show you these things this up close, for whatever reason they don't, this movie isn't concerned with that. Bring on the blood and satanic rams' heads. The Church is where it's at.

The FP

  This movie is a little ball of weirdness. I'd love to have been there when they were thinking it up. It must have been something like... "Hey! Great idea... let's make a movie where two gangs settle their differences with the deadly sport of... DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!" Yeah. They ran with that too apparently. Nonetheless, I'm glad that they did.  It's on the plane of quirkiness with Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Detention, Black Dynamite and John Dies at the End. All Movies I wholehearted love watching. As I type this, The FP is growing on me. I have no doubt I'm going to end up watching it again.

  Of course, they can't actually use the title 'Dance Dance Revolution', so instead it's called 'Beat Beat Revolution'. Whether it was by design or necessity, it led to one of the greatest lines to ever grace a movie. Ever. "I challenge you to a BEAT OFF!" Try saying that, out loud, sounding and looking serious without laughing... at all. It's freaking impossible. Yet all the actors in this shlocky b-movie carry every intentionally ridiculous line with total and unflinching seriousness. This movie isn't cut for comedic timing. That's precisely the point though. It's parodying alot of 80's movies. From The Karate Kid to any Rocky sequel of your choosing, along with The Warriors and even Mad Max. None of those movies are comedies. So to make fun of those movies it has to mimic precisely what's endearing about them. Including their melodramatic seriousness.

  The amount of subtle nods to other movies of the era and genre are aplenty. The main character alone looks like a Snake Plissken clone. This is just the icing on the cake for the FP, because it can stand entirely on it's own merits. It isn't so overt with it's nods that it becomes a spoof. It's a loving parody of a whole genre and the era it thrived in, as well as saying something about the current state of things and what's to come. It's not saying much... but it's saying something.   With main characters named things like "L Dubba E" and "Jtro" it's impossible to not see the humor in this movie. Anyone who doesn't is probably too uptight for this brand of silliness and it's advised they stay far away. For everyone else? If you can dig this kind of silly flick where in the 'future' the deadliest of differences between two 'vicious' gangs are settled over a Dance Dance Revolution showdown... then dig in! You'll like it. I bet.

John Dies at the End

This will be my second time reviewing John Dies at the End. In total however, I've seen it three times.  It's exactly the sort of offbeat sci-fi horror/comedy that's impossible to resist. It's about two buddies, Dave and John, who come into contact with this new edgy drug called the 'soy sauce'. Little do they know it'll open their eyes to a big interdimensional war full of creatures and mysterious beings. This is a great setup for a movie. Based on a 'biographical' book by "David Wong" (re-emphasizes with air quotes)  which I have not read yet, I can only assume plenty of the book was chopped out.

  Not to say John Dies isn't a good movie and all, it's good in it's own special way. It's ballsy. It's crude, unique, outrageous, and adventurous, the likes of which genre sci-fi doesn't see enough of. So it's very easy for me to recommend this movie and support it as much as possible, because it's something of a rarity. Albeit an enjoyable one too. The cast is peppered with really good and well known actors, including the likes of Paul Giamatti (who's totally loving every second of this), Clancy Brown, and the amazing Doug Jones. The two leads however, Dave and John, are played by relative newcomers Chase Williamson and Rob Mayes, respectively.

Although Williamson is the anchor for the audience and actually really fun to watch as he plays Dave, who shuffles through the movie with a bewildered daze, it's truly Rob Mayes who steals the show as the incorrigible and undeniably fun, John.  The dynamic between Dave and John is perfect, and Williamson and Mayes really sell it. Their performances aren't bulletproof however. Specifically Williamson's, but when he gets it right, he really gets it right.  Mayes is the total scene stealer though, turning in an energetic and inspired turn, on what could've been a painfully cliche role. John is like that one guy we all seem to know, unreliable yet irresistible  Wild and wacky, yet oft drunk or high. As Dave recalls, he never guessed John would be the one to bring about the end of the world.  Neither would I. 

  John Dies at the End has some serious issues to is. Character arcs range from underdeveloped to outright butchered, seemingly left mostly on the cutting room floor. There's so much unexplained that you kinda have to let the logic Nazi in your head take a backseat whilst watching this in order to fully enjoy it. Shit happens out of nowhere sometimes and if an explanation is given, it's a very fleeting one. The thing about it I found to be okay was that, the flaws kinda work with the tone of the movie. It's such an unexpected and random experience already, that these logic gaps and glaring continuity errors almost feel truer to the "I don't know what the hell is going on!" mindframe that Dave has through the entire movie. Not to say they're excusable, or that they 'enhance' the experience, like film grain to grindhouse. Not at all. They're sloppy mistakes, or their signs of rushed production, or shoddy editing or any one of the above... but they don't ruin the experience for you. They certainly didn't for me.

  In a movie where all of the raw meat in a freezer comes to life and assembles itself as a fully sentient monster... and where door knobs can turn into dangling male genitalia to discourage escape... logic gaps and continuity errors probably won't be upsetting the movie for you. It's so bat-shit crazy off the wall to begin with, that these errors for me were mostly noticed in retrospect, or upon repeat viewing.  It's also a serious tragedy that Doug Jones had maybe 4 total minutes of screentime. His name alone could be a serious selling point to many potential viewers who will be woefully disappointed to see the actor almost entirely wasted in a short and peripheral role that honestly only exists to move the plot forward. Sad. Alas, the movie is totally fun. Full of gross out humor, grade-A gore, and wildly imaginative sci-fi trappings. It's quite an action packed little endeavor and it gets a full recommendation from me

Big Trouble in Little China

  So this is a personal favorite John Carpenter movie starring Kurt Russell as the iconic Jack Burton. Jack and his buddy Wang Chi get mixed up in big adventure and serious trouble when in their efforts to rescue Wang's beautiful fiancee from some local thugs, they stumble onto a mysterious supernatural battle in the grimy alleyways of Chinatown. It's a thrill a minute movie set up like an arcade game. Each set piece plays like a video game level in a retro sidescroller full of non-stop action.

  This is one of those movies that I like to say puts the magic back into a Saturday matinee.  It's funny and exciting and well made. It's just the right blend of comedy and action. The comedy is hilarious, and the action is gleefully over-the-top. This movie is a roller coaster ride full of mystic thunder gods, big all out kung-fu gang wars, truck chases, underground lairs, shootouts, fist fights, sword fights, creepy monsters, cool special effects, Chinese black magic and lots of iconic one-liners. Kurt Russell is awesome as Jack Burton. He's this scuzzy truck driver, but charismatic and a hero at heart. Even if he claims he's only there cause he wants his truck back...

  His intrepid sidekick, Wang Chi is this irresistibly energetic, high-kicking, character who has perfect chemistry with Jack. They're like Han Solo and Chewbacca. Kirk and Spock.  Sherlock and Watson. You can't separate em, and you wouldn't want to even if you could. It also dons on me that Big Trouble is not unlike an old school, side-scrolling, beat-em-up video game. This is arcade room gold. You play a rough-and-tumble truck driver who only wants his truck back, but ends up having to rescue the damsel in distress. Stage one? Chinatown wars- boss battle? Thunder gods! It's so much fun, and so crazy.

  It definitely has an old school comic book/video game vibe, and that's never a bad thing. From the music, to the vibrant colors, pacing, and beyond. This movie is a big ball of non-stop fun. Even it's sense of humor matches the zaniness of the rest of it. The hero saves the day with lipstick smudged on his face from the obligatory kiss he got once he rescued the girl. It's silly, but it works and it makes me smile. As you might have gathered, the acting in this movie is unapologetically melodramatic, but it fits the overall tone. Not to mention the pacing is so breakneck you could care less.

   The movie only stops every so often to provide the clueless Jack Burton with some fleeting answers to his bewildered questioning as to "Just what the hell is going on?", which conveniently advances the story and provides some exposition, and then again so the heroes can briefly plot their next move. This isn't such a bad move, since the movie feels practically animated in it's energy. There's no time to stop, a girl's life is on the line! Thus the movie plays to the urgency of a kidnapped damsel in distress, there's no time to do anything except... well... save the day- and, watching them save the day is a blast when they're pitted against the mystical Chinese underworld populated with sorcerers and demons. Great movie. Great fun. Classic.
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Zombies!

  I've been playing a lot of Resident Evil 3 lately. Which is still quite the classic, and it's made me to want to watch some more zombie flicks. Having seen all but the most recent Resident Evil movie, it was safe to say I should expose myself to a better breed of zombie flick.  I'd already seen the original Night of the Living Dead when I was in grade school at a friend's sleepover. It truly scared me shitless. It put me off everything 'zombie' related for a while. Fortunately, that was grade school; an eternity ago. Now bring on the scares and gore, and Dawn of the Dead did just that.

  I was hoping for something intense and bloody. I was in for a treat. Dawn jumps right into it. It's hectic and bloody opening sets the tone for the rest of the movie. Only letting up around the midway mark, Dawn of the Dead is a horror roller coaster that has stood the test of time and become something of a titan in the genre.  The gore effects are awesome. You won't be disappointed. Some of it made me cringe actually. In the good way. I think my only complaint is how standard the zombies themselves look. Though I might be spoiled by modern zombie effects, these zombies look like people. Grey skinned people. No blood and disfigured faces of any kind. But alas, they still remain effective enough to be scary at times and elevate the tension to an immense level.

  It was quite a fun movie to watch, and I was in for a whole world of awesome by the climax. Which was a massive battle royale between zombies, a small army of bikers and our band of intrepid heroes. It's pretty glorious to watch the chaos and carnage unfold.  Also what kinda took me off guard was the sense of humor. Wasn't expecting it to have one at all; but it does, and it fits well into the movie.  Much in the way Zombieland was. Though this adheres to Romero's rule that "Dead things don't run." it was still quite tense and effective in how they found clever ways to crank up the suspense to nail biting levels.  The movie isn't perfect, there's some mild bits of pacing issues and general stupidity, but overall it was a damn good flick that's worth watching beyond a shadow of a doubt.
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  This remake helmed by geek favorite Zack Snyder proves to be an effective remake even if it is inferior to the original.  It provides what the original didn't. More vicious looking and bloodier zombies, tighter editing, and a relatable modern setting. Unfortunately, it doesn't go much further beyond that. It introduces some truly unique and interesting concepts, like the unborn zombie baby, the fact animals wouldn't be craved by zombies (which I didn't really like) and little things like that. Some great. Some not.
Dawn of the Dead's pace is so breakneck and sudden that our protagonists exist merely as placeholders. We're expected to care about these people on principal. However the movie also makes clear cut human antagonists. So these people are good cause they're nice, and that guy we want dead cause he's an asshole.
That formula... doesn't gel for me. It's so cliche.

  Furthermore, there's some conflict of character logic, and a smidge of shoddy acting, but overall this remake is very well made and fun to watch. It's a decent zombie action/horror movie that stands head and shoulders above others of it's kind. Ving Rhames easily is the most undeniably watchable person here. He's simply so badass and cool that you can't help but like him. He gets the best lines and the best moments, and he's a pleasure to watch and makes the movie for me personally. It's not really fun spending time with these characters. Unlike the original Dawn, where it was indeed a blast. I'm not trying to knock the movie that badly. I don't want it to sound like that.  However it is inferior to the original. Not VASTLY inferior, not slightly inferior. It's the difference between great and good. It's good. Whereas the original was great.
If you keep your expectations in check you can have lots of fun with this movie.  I know I did. I just wasn't blown away.

  It's very competently directed, they obviously had a good appreciation for the original, to the point of even snagging some chuckle worthy cameos from some of the original cast members. Overall I did enjoy it. I do suppose though that's all there is to this unfortunately one-note experience.
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  This french language horror thriller is quite over the top in a deliciously bloody way. The acting is solid for the most part, and the zombies are cool and vicious and the setting is decent. Overall, it's a very serviceable flick. And for what it's worth, I liked it better than Dawn of the Dead remake. It's certainly more unique.
Not the most original flick ever, but certainly a badass popcorn flick. The Horde is very well made, and very well acting. This is it's strength actually. It's not wholly 100% original. However the things it borrows from other zombie movies, it actually does just as well if not better. Trapped in a high rise building... zombies swarming the whole place... etc etc. It works here. Very well.

  Also, the killing here is awesome. Some truly badass scenes. Very memorable stuff, especially from Eriq Ebouaney. He single-handedly made this movie to me. His on-screen presence was astounding. He exudes control and leadership in his amazing performance here. I almost didn't care about the "good guys" because either they were all straight-up douchebags, or just bland as fuck. A few of them get neat scenes in the last act but nothing that fully justified their blandness. Unfortunate. But alas, the secondary characters are very fun to watch even if they tend to overact alot.  In general, The Horde is a mixed bag. Not drastically so though. Some characters are shit. Some are awesome. Some parts are bland, and others awesome.

  Fortunately, the good outweighs the bad, even if it is by a slim margin. Thus I do heartily recommend this movie, because I feel it was definitely worth my time.

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

  There's much to love in this Shaw Bros. classic. For one, it's really really well made. The story may be threadbare simple, but that's better for this type of movie than over-complicating the hell out of it. You can follow what's going on and why. Which is a big plus for an old kung-fu flick. The 36th Chamber of Shaolin is truly fun. But it's not one huge long fight scene. Nor is it one big fight after the next. It's really about  one man's quest to learn kung-fu to help others defend themselves and fight against a cruel and sadistic military regime.

  The training sequences are the heart of this movie, much like the Rocky franchise. Except, in this movie, they're also the entire main focus. Most of the screen-time is devoted to his learning Shaolin martial arts. Which is incredibly entertaining anyways. Watching him persevere through insanely trying tests and rigorous exercises is more fun than one might think. Even if it already sounds fun. It's very creative and inventive. It's also clear where so many films copied from it. But this is truly the granddaddy Shaolin flick of em all. In a movie clocking in at nearly two solid hours, there's not one moment of boredom.

 The movie zips along at a brisk pace, delivering impressively choreographed fights and duels that wouldn't even look outdated by today's standard. Also worth noting is the suberb editing clever scene transitions. They're never more than hard cuts, but they're synchronized using neat placement of sound effects and camera framing. This links the two scenes in a really cool way that keeps the momentum moving forward.

Unfortunately, the very last act seems rushed and is rather choppy. Also, at some points in the movie, the acting can be face-palmingly melodramatic, even for the era. Then, there is some occasional spotty acting regardless, but overall, the acting is good and I have no serious complaints. The movie is infectiously entertaining and irresistibly fun.

  It's definitely a genre classic, and a damn good flick in it's own right. I can't recommend it enough.